Gingerbread.

New beginnings...

2010-05-09T06:06:00.001-07:00

I swear...

It seems like

all I ever eat

is

.OATMEAL.

And lately, the only way I've been eating it is with greek yogurt, nut butter, and a butt-load of fruit!

(and sometimes, with blackstrap molasses 'cause it has a crap load of antioxidants)

"I hate soccer."

"I don't feel like running."

"School is too stressful."

"My parents are annoying."

"Too much food."

^Excuse that.

But, I promise there was a method to my madness.

My point?

It seems lik all I ever do is complain.

Blah, Blah, Blah.

Honestly, who really cares how much my life sucks?

And in reality, it doesn't!

Even though it may not have seemed like it, but for the past 7 months, this blog has been my outlet - -

but all I ever did was complain, it seemed like.

Although that can be theraputic for some, and in some regards, it did help me, it also made things worse.

It taught me to focus on the bad.

To whine and wallow in self-pity.

I deserve better than that.

I deserve happiness!

I deserve to love every inch of my little waist, and ever aspect of my life in general.

ED aside, I'm a person. And I deserve to enjoy it.

Thus, I am moving to wordpress.

Wordpress, for a change of scenery.

Moving, for a change of direction in my "blogging life"

This time, it'll be my blog. Not a blog about me.

There will be a point to me blogging.

I will teach lessons. Inspire. Be free. Be me.

So although this isn't goodbye just yet, it's the formal goodbye. So when I, one day, post a nearly empty page, leaving you with only a web address to another blog, you won't be completely taken by surprise and left asking...

Why?

Hey! It's the Day after May Day...

2010-05-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

Please excuse the corny title. It was entertaining.

I know I usually start out my posts with breakfast, but this morning my breakfast was extremely uneventful, plain, and boring, and I didn't bring my camera downstairs with me, and of course I was too lazy to go back upstairs and get it, which resulted in no picture.

My apologies.

Anyway...

This was my night snack of chocolate. Supposedly it's "Swiss Bittersweet" but it's the sweetest bittersweet chocolate I've ever tasted...hmmm...

I like my chocolate to be BITTER and not particularly sweet. Still good, though.

Today was Good! I woke up at seven and did my chemistry homework, then went downstairs for boring oatbran. (Gosh, I need to spruce my food up) and then went back upstairs. So productive, I know.

But, I ran ten miles today!

Phew!

It's been a LONG time since I ran 10 miles, or even 8, but I did it.

Honestly, I was doubting myself nearly the entire time. Prior to doing so, I was doubting myself, thinking "gosh, I wonder if I'll be able to do this." I wasn't intending to stop, except for EXACTLY half way through, where I would get a cup of water at a local McDonald's and use the bathroom.

The run there started off uncomfortably. I didn't feel energized and I felt a little crampy and ill, probably from dehydration and lack of fuel the night before. But I made it to the bridge (the five mile mark from my house) without stopping, took my planned pit stop at McDonalds, and felt pretty accomplished. I was sweating buckets and was really tired. I kept an even 9:30 pace the whole way there.

On the way back, I started out SLOWLY. I was, again, doubting myself. "Gosh, I'm TIRED. It's HOT. I wonder if I'll be able to do this without stopping." Well, guess what? I did. I ran the 5 miles there without stopping, and the 5 miles back.

I'm not going to lie, I was freaking POOPED after the fact, but I did it!

I was too EXHAUSTED to photograph my delicious lunch, but it was still delicious. I had a Chicken Sandwich Flat, a glass of chocoloate milk (the best thing to consume after a strenuos workout due to it's perfect balance of simple protein and carbohydrates) and 1/2 banana with coconut butter and a few chocolate chips.

It was delicious!

I proceeded to pass out on my bedroom floor out of sheer exhaustion, slept two hours, then did my Polyc Ab workout.

My butt is officially kicked.

My pictures are all food-based today (sorry) and they're quite bland, but oh well.

The above are Kale chips. So good! I've never had Kale until today and these were fabulous!

Beets.
YUM!

Whole Wheat Fettuccini, Mushroom Sauce with 94/6 ground beef (ergh...dumb parents) and broccoli. Good, but I'm really not a fan of meat-sauce. And not just for health reasons/ED fears...it tastes bad, to me.

A fantastic "smoothie"

I can't really call it a smoothie because it was so thick! It was seriously like melty soft serve ice cream! Just frozen strawberries, raspberries and pear chunks, whipped up with skim milk. Topped with a small honey drizzle. So yummy.
.

What's your favorite aspect of spring?

-I love the flowers. My yard smells amazing with all the lilacs!

What's your favorite Brand/Type of Chocolate?

- I love anything with a high percentage of Cacao. And I think I like Lindt better than Ghiradelli. My all time favorite was this one brand called Divinity that I tried when I was in seventh or eighth grade. I've always loved dark chocolate. This stuff was SOOO dark, and totally not sweet. So delicious! I haven't found it since. I don't even know where I got it.

.
♥Alexandra
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Oh, the Horror...

2010-04-28T12:54:00.001-07:00

This morning, when I woke up, I felt like this:

^That is dirt, just in case you couldn't figure it out. =]

I'm sick, to say in the least.

At 6:00 in the morning, I could not have eaten if my life depended on it (which it did/does) and I was struggling to stay awake. I could barely breathe, I was feverish, and my throat was on FIRE.

I'm not really big on missing school, but today, I realized that the only logical option was to stay home and get some rest. Unfortunately, I missed taking a practice ACT test which I have been looking forward to. It'd be a good utensil for college prep. Oh well. Health > School.

At around 11:30, after I slept for an additional 5.5 hours, my mother had me come downstairs to eat something.

This isn't the exact picture, but this is similar. Oats cooked in milk with peanut butter, Greek yogurt and black strap molasses. I didn't have this much, it was difficult to stomach the food, but I did eat it. I felt much better. Especially with the addition of large amounts of water, Robitussin, Aspirin and Vitamin C.

For me, being sick entails absolutely NIL appetite. Alas, at 1:30, I realized that my calories were WAY lacking, and even though I didn't feel up to it, I knew that being sick means I need even MORE calories than usual. So, I had some Greek yogurt (easy on the throat) and I invented something delicious:

"Cookie Daux" aka Faux Cookie Dough.

lol

There's no picture, sadly, but I mixed the following:

1 Tbs PB

1 tsp Honey

2 tsp Brown Sugar

3 Tbs flour

1 Tbs milk

1 tsp chocolate chips

1 drop vanilla extract

Mix the honey, peanut butter, sugar and milk first. Then stir in the flour and chocolate chips. Chill, or eat right away, like I did.

It was really creamy and delicious, and tasted just like regular cookie dough, but wasn't greasy or nauseating. It was a perfect snack. Paired with the Greek yogurt, it was big on protein, had some simple carbohydrates for my weak, exhausted body, and a whole bunch of flavor. Soooo comforting.

I will definitely make this again. Rather than peanut butter-chocolate chip, next time I might use almond butter, swap cinnamon and raisins for chocolate chips, and use oatmeal instead of flour. Then it'd be like an oatmeal raisin cookie!

After eating a little, I felt much better. I continued to chug water, and take a whole bunch of meds (lol) and watch Good Eats and Hannah Montana. And sleep. Ahh...the life.

No soccer practice today, either (YAY) Except I DID take my doggie for a short walk. It probably wasn't the best idea, being sick and all, but it was nice to get some fresh air.

Okay I will leave you all with some old pictures from the past few weeks.

The yummiest night snack!

Banana slices with Coconut Butter and Dark Chocolate Chips

A mighty Green Monster

An old drawing I did...back in February.

Creamy oat bran spiked with strawberries, apricots, and SunButter.
=]

A Blood Red Maple Tree in my back yard.

He's still a baby...lol

Apple Blossoms.

Ahhhhhh...

LILACS!!! My favorite!

So beautiful and so aromatic!

Sun + Green = Yes.

Rhododendron

Old, wrinkly Dogwood berries among new buds!

I can't believe those berries stayed up there all winter!

So pretty. =]

And lastly, a new bud.

Every day of Spring turns over a new leaf. =]

I hope you all are feeling WAY better than I am!

♥Alexandra

2010-04-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

I. Hate. School

I hate to be pessimistic, really, but I have way too much homework!

Today went:

Breakfast, plan grocery list, run, write essay, lunch, write more essay, dinner, write MORE essay, blog.

Basically, all I did was write, run and eat. The life! no.

Of course, breakfi was fantabulous, and inspired by my wonderful sister!

Craisin-Cashew Butter Oats

I snuck in some chopped prune and a little banana, though!

=]
.

Morning snack:

Peanut Butter-Pomegranate Molasses-Banana-Yogurt Mess

.
Anyways. I've got a LOT of homework this weekend! Two essays, two history chapters, a history project, a literature project...ahhhh....anxiety. It's hard to eat, I'm not going to lie.

Plus my mother has gone completely AWOL (correction...her AWOL-ocity has intensified exponentially)

Onward.

So my wonderful, gorgeous, delightful, kind, loving, wonderful (oh, I said that) friend Ashlyn is doing a project on Anorexia. She's trying to bring attention to the intensity and severity of the disease, something that many people overlook.

Anyways. She asked me to help her with it, giving insight, etc, and I agreed (of course). I'm a bit nervous because the teacher of her class is also one of my teachers, and I don't know how I feel about my teacher knowing about this...

But, I have to face the facts some day, and come to terms with my Eating Disorder. After all, how do I expect to beat this thing?

It's excruciatingly nerve-wracking, though.

I baked some delicious muffins for lunch!

Recipe Here.
I really wanted to bake. So I did. Duh.

It was a FABULOUS lunch! I spread some low-fat ricotta on my muffin, and enjoyed it (pure bliss) with black coffee and a big bowl of unpictured green beans.
.
So another thing that has been on my mind a lot lately:
My friend, H.
I have never been OVERLY close with her. I mean, I guess I felt close to her for a while, but it seemed like within a week of our "awesome chat" something snapped.
All of sudden, she seemed like a different person.
A person that I don't like.
It's horrible, I know, but every time I see her I am instantly in a bad mood.
I don't know why. I don't know what happened! I honestly wonder if she actually changed at all, or if it was just a whacked-out part of myself that changed.
The whole ordeal is very confusing to me.
I'm channeling all this negative energy into soccer, though. I usually only see her at soccer (because she doesn't sit with me at lunch anymore...weird). I have always been a quite agressive player, but lately I find myself deliberately marking her at practice, and being more agressive. And I mean I'm going into tackles harder than ever, and when I fall in the process, I get back up angrier than ever!
It's a little scary. It makes me feel like a psycho, out-of-control beast.
Sad.
Although, it is only soccer, and I'm not actually hurting her, and nor am I trying to at all! It's like a competitiveness that I suddenly have. I want to school her SOOOOO BADLY. So I do. And it feels soooo good. And it's making me a better soccer player!
The bad part is, I wonder if she actually did anything to make me feel this way about her all of a sudden. My head likes to randomly imagine things.

Afternoon snack:
A Groovy Green Monstrosity consisting of skim milk, stevia, spinach, frozen strawberries, 2 thin slices of frozen kiwi, a few chunks of frozen mango and a small piece of frozen pear.
Yummmz.
This was seriously like ice cream. It was so thick and creamy that I was 100% convinced it was soft serve!
Dinner:
Chicken, avocado, pasta, and vegetables.
Sadly, I didn't finish this. I only ate about half. Too much food. It looked pretty, though.
Look Here.
.
.
Anyways...
Today was really productive though. I had a wonderful run -- I enjoyed it so much! My body feels so good after running. I honestly love it.
And, I baked, I wrote a crap load of essays, and I made a BAMF dinner.
.
All-in-all, I feel good.
Although homework is a pain in the ass, (pardon my French) and I hate sitting around to do it, it felt good today because I ran, and after 3 games this week, It was nice to relax. Who would've imagined that one could be productive while relaxing?
.
Do you feel better when you are productive?
.
also
What is your absolute FAVORITE oats creation?
.
nutritionist appointment tomorrow.
.
♥Alexandra

Kiss By a Rose - Good song!

2010-04-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

Good Day, all!

This was about the best BREAKFAST that I've had in a while.

Steel Cut Oats with Plain Greek Yogurt, a medley of dried fruit, peanut butter,

and seriously a teaspoon of Blackstrap Molasses.

I know this bowl looks like it's drowning in molasses. I can't believe it was only a teaspoon either, but seriously, I measured. It spreads out a LOT!

Also, I bought Coconut Butter!

And it's delicious!

Fiber and all!

It was a bit of a challenge (saturated fat, anyone?) but it was delicious. And our bodies need saturated fat.

Excuse me: Saturated lipids.

People that eat fat are not fat.

Nor are people that consume lipids.

Just clarifying.

Post for today:

LOOK WHAT I GOT!

So nice! From wonderful Scott!

And, I tag EVERYONE, ED or not! Because everyone is beautiful, honestly.

So, if you are reading this, view yourself as specifically tagged, post this on your blog, and feel free to say that I tagged you, because I did!

(I don't care if that's "unconventional")

1) What physical features do you love about yourself?

I love that my skin tans so easily, that my eyes are blue, and that I'm an amazing soccer player and runner. I am so fortunate to be blessed with athleticism, because I love sports so much!

2) How do you personally take care of yourself?

I try to nourish my body as much as I can, albeit I am recovering from an eating disorder. Nonetheless, health and nutrition is a passion of mine. I also like to cook. =] By taking care of my family/friends, I am, in a way, taking care of myself. =]

3) What are you looking forward to?

My soccer game tomorrow, summer, my half-marathon, the next time I see my wonderful sister, and just enjoying LIFE.

4) Who has aided your recovery the most?

My sister has always been supportive of me, and my friend Ashlyn was also a big help. My wonderful father aids me so much because he always willingly purchases expensive health foods for me because I'm comfortable eating them. I am seeing a nutritionist too, who is helping me realize how much nutrition I need.

5) What was the very last thing you ate?

the most delicious bowl of oats ever!

-see top of post-

6) What is one material thing you are dying to have right now?

I am not really dying to have anything, but I guess if I had to choose it would be new shin guards because mine are failing and I have a bruise the size of montana on my shin. Also, I really want to go shopping for summer clothes because many of my clothes are from 7th and 8th grade and I feel that they're kind of old and I'd like something new.

7) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

a tropical island.

definitely.

8) What is/was your biggest fear food, and how will/did you conquer it?

My biggest fear food is Soda. Really, any beverage with calories, I prefer water. Milk is still a really big issue for me, and I'm slowly conquering it by putting it in my oats, I guess.

I don't think I will ever conquer my fear of soda, and frankly, I don't have any desire to. I don't ever plan to consume soda for the rest of my life.

9) What are your dreams for after ED?

To be the epitome of health, of course!

10) What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?

There. is. always. help.

Get help. You will regret it so much if you don't because there is so much more to life than being welled up in a hole wiht fears and depression and sadness. There is so much support available.

For people without EDs: We are not crazy. Many people with eating disorders are perfectionistic and high-achieving.

Fantabulous Roasted Red Pepper Chicken with sweet potatoes, green beans, and spaghetti squash.

Yes, that is a little cheese on that chicken there, and yes I ate it, and yes it was delicious! (also a bit scary, though)

Oats Tatianna-Style!!! Except I didn't have date molasses so I used Pomegranate Molasses, and Tahini tastes a bit like bugs to me, so I used peanut butter instead.
It's the concept that counts.
Anyways...I LOVED IT!

Oats Amanda-Style.
Except, I used peanut butter instead of almond butter, only becasue I kind of wanted it.
Still delicious.
REALLY DELICIOUS!
I stirred in some greek yo after the picture and that made it MORE decadent.

An egg sandwich and carrots.
Egg + mustard + LF Cream Cheese + Pickle

And lastly, my amazing bowl of oats with the infamous coconut butter!

(and banana slices and raisins)
Yummy.

♥Alexandra

The Game of Life.

2010-04-14T17:15:00.000-07:00

As always, I must start with Breakfast!

Although this wasn't breakfast THIS morning, it was still delicious two days ago!

This morning was similar, but the picture was too ugly!

Oat bran with Blackberries cooked in, topped with Cashew Butter

Okay, I know, it's hard to believe that it was blackberries. I expected it to be like the blueberry oatmeal I made...where the oats turned black, or at least purple, but this was RED!

makes no sense to me, either!
.

So I've been playing a crapload of soccer lately, and I'm getting my tan on!

It's not a very attractive picture of ME, per-say, and I guess I feel a bit self conscious because my cheeks look chubbier than usual, (it's the lighting, I swear) albeit I HAVE gained some weight.

Anyway...I have a rockin' soccer tan, and I'm loving it!

Okay...I digress...

.
On September 25th, 2009, a 16-year old teenage boy at my school, Jerry Martinez, passed away due to injury shortly after he was involved in a fatal car accident.

Although I never met him, I had heard about him a LOT, and that he was hilarious, sensitive, kind and jovial. Even more, I am very good friends with his sister, Jessica, who was on my cross country team, and is currently on my soccer team.

The whole situation was very emotional for me. It's hard for me to see people I care about suffering so much. Her family is so kind and nice, just like she is, and like I heard he brother was. It was SO sad. I went to the wake, and all the prayer group meetings at my school to pray for her family.

Today, I came across this article:

HERE

and It moved me to tears.

It's about how the Hockey Team at my school (of which Jerry was a member of) contributed an article to the paper about how they dedicated their last season to Jerry Martinez, "Jer-Bear" and how they play FOR HIM.

I guess it made me think -- right now...this very minute...I am playing the game of LIFE.

I am living my life.

Am I living it the way I want to?

Anything could happen -- all I have could be taken away from me, just as it was for Jerry. All I LOVE could be taken away from me, just as it was for the Martinez Family.

Who or What am I playing this game for?

My eating disorder has been a big part of my life for the past year and a half, and I'm not proud of that, at all, because I want to be OUT there. LIVING my life for all it has to offer, and reaping the benefits -- not degrading my health, especially when I'm so educated about living (and eating) healthfully.

It is my ultimate goal to find that balance. It's a balance that, I believe, I've craved throughout this whole ordeal, and I'm so ready to get it!

I'd have to say that, in spite of the fact that OF COURSE I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR MYSELF, I'm living it for my sister. There isn't a single person that I care about more in this enormous world than the gorgeous blond genius that my parents produced 4 years, 9 months and one day before I was born.

I never really considered the extent to which my poor sister has had to suffer through my disease...how excruciatingly painful it is to watch ME suffer. I feel so horribly, and that just motivates me MORE to recover.

The idea: I am living my life for myself, and by doing so, I am making the ones I love HAPPY.

Yes.

The most BAMF, delicious smoothie ever.

Frozen mango, frozen pineapple, fresh strawberries, skim milk and Stevia.

So smooth, so creamy, so fantastic after a long soccer practice in 80-degree weather!

Yeah...it was 80 today!

SCORE!

OMG and I bought some Dark Chocolate Dreams!

It was delicious on my Banana-Cocoa-Oat Bran!

Just a little dinner...
Coconut Rice (for the first time...and I died!)
Salmon, onions and green beans
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Have a STUPENDOUS day!
..
OMG and I bought a jar of Coconut Butter!
I haven't tried it yet, but I'm so excited! I looked at the label and two tablespoons have 5 whopping grams of dietary fiber!
Amazing! I love fantastic foods like this...
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What are some of your favorite "HEALTHIEST" foods?
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♥Alexandra

I'm an island, but you're an ocean...

2010-04-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

There was a soccer team sleepover last night, so there's no picture of my breakfast, but it was a delicious plate of fruit, accompanied by black coffee (of course)!

Probably not the most balanced of breakfasts, but I enjoyed it, and there weren't any other breakfast options that I was comfortable eating.

(i.e. pancakes, sausage, cinnamon rolls)

When I cam home, I had a wonderful run, it felt amazing!

Then, I enjoyed a delicious lunch...

Very lean homemade meatballs, cabbage, carrots and mashed sweet potato with avocado and ginger.

The weather has been extremely bipolar lately.

A few weeks ago, it was absolutely beautiful outside. It was summery, warm, and absolutely glorious in the great outdoors! then it grew ghastly cold again, (but it was March, what's to expect?) and then all of a sudden, it was in teh 80's! In illinois! In March!

I was in heaven.

But, the last week, it was significantly chillier. Rainy, cold, muddy and unpleasant.

Temperatures in the thirties is not my definition of spring.

I thought Spring had Sprung?

Today was warm, though. Inspired, I fixed myself a delicious bowl of "Mango FroYo" (frozen mango and kiwi whipped with greek yogurt, topped with nutmeg and caraway seeds) and I set out in search of spring.

"Insist on yourself. Never imitate."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
Have pride in yourself.

"Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities."

-Aldous Huxley

"The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it."

-Seneca

(7 B.C. - 65 A.D.)

I found it. =]
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Keep looking for things that make you happy.
.

♥Alexandra

What makes you happy?

Let's talk about feelings...

2010-04-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

This is how my body feels:

bright, energized, happy, fueled...

This is how my mind feels:

confused, stormy, sad...

This is how my emotions "feel":
a little, growing bright blossom, amid a sea of dead darkness...

This is how the world feels:
bright, green, new...

Breakfast this morning was freakin amazing! (non-oats...wow!)

I had an over-easy egg (no oil) with tomato, spinach and dijon mustard on whole wheat toast.

Topped with cracked black pepper and oregano.

Paired with black coffee!

Oh man, it was so delicious! And I love this photo...really artistic, in my opinion!

I like my yolks to be runny!

I also had some greek yo with a medley of fresh and dried fruits.

I've been having HUGE breakfasts lately. My nutritionist expressed to me the importance of this.

It's really making me anxious...eating so much...but I know I have to have at least one solid meal in the day. It's so important...She told me that every month I don't menstruate that calcium and protein are being sucked out of my bones and that I could possibly have osteopenia, anemia, and all these other crazy medical problems. It's so scary so I make sure I have a good breakfast to at least fuel my day. Especially since breakfast is my favorite meal, and I need it to fuel!

Another thing she said is that every day that I eat less than 1400 calories (sorry to use numbers) that my body is slowly. shutting. down.

Shutting down.

My metabolism is going to the hogs and my heart is getting sick and all this horrible stuff that just freaks the heck out of me.

So, my breakfasts are powerhouses:

snacky:

Lunch:

Breakfast:

Emotionally, I've been better.

But, who wants to read about an awful morning/day?

My morning was really nice, actually, aside from my emotional imbalance.

I tooka glorious walk in the warm weather, made a DEELICIOUSSS breakfast, and got a little homework done! I love spring!

okay I hope you all had a wonderful day, lovies!

And I really encourage you all to try that egg sandwhich!

'twas delicious!

And I apologize for any negativity that was woven into this post.

♥Alexandra

Spring is in the Air...

2010-03-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

I'm really sad that I was so scared of breakfast for so long.

I mean, even i the worst of my ED, I only skipped breakfast a couple of times;

But it's been a while since I really sat down and had a balanced breakfast.

Today I tried cashew butter.

I died.

1/2 cup oats, cooked with 3/4 cup blooberries, 1/2 cup water, 1/2 cup milk, and two whole fricken tablespoons of cashew butter!

Also spiced with nutmeg and vanilla extract.

I was full.

But, I finished!
First challenge of the day: finish eating, even when I'm stuffed beyond belief.
I'm SO not used to eating a full serving of oatmeal, and definitely not used to two whole tablespoons of nut butter!
Soooooo delicious!

Lunch:
Whole Wheat Wrap with Cuban-Style shrimp, Mango-Salsa, Tomato Salsa, Cabbage, and baby carrots.
all home-made! (except for the wrap)

A yummy apple-snacky in the afternoon.

Plus, my 1/4 bowl of oats that I shared with my chums!

Fro-Yo for dessert!

Sprinkles make me happy!

Black Coffee! Doesn't look black, does it? It's just foamy!

Another adorable mug/napkin at my darling friend's house.

So today, eating started out really well. I felt good about it, it tasted good, I got a carb, a fruit, 1/2 milk a lipid and a protein all in at breakfast!

That's awesome, especially compared to what I was eating before.

Lunch was another challenge. I'm not particularly used to eating lunch, and I had to eat early because of soccer practice. I was SO not hungry yet because of my BIG breakfast, so lunch was a bit of a challenge. Plus, I was rushed and my mother was with me.

Double discomfort.

Snack was easy...I was hungry! It had been 6 hours since I had eaten last.

Dinner was *not* easy. I was forced into eating a white tortilla and the chicken was cooked in a pan. That means a bit of oil.

Added fat scares me.

And I ventured into the wild to eat some froyo (with sprinkles) but my inner ED voice was telling me that this was not a good idea, and I was getting all beat up about it.

I'm not good at eating dessert-type foods.

I need to work on that.

To make that worse, when I came home, after I was 100% done eating, my parents made me drink milk.

EGAD.

It wouldn't have been such a big deal if I hadn't already decided I was done eating.

grrrr.

Hopefully tomorrow goes better.

I'm more comfortable getting my carbohydrate exchanges by eating actual grains -- whole ones, at that.

Not starchy veggies like corn, or white tortillas, or froyo, as much as I love it.

Baby steps are the way to go!

I'm also concerned about how much I potentially fucked up my metabolism.

I obviously don't want my body to be efficient with calories.

I want it to burn them recklessly like it did before all this started.

I want to be healthy.

That is the only thing that is keeping me going in my recovery, right now.

My mind and body are not agreeing.

But, I want to be healthy.

I will be healthy.

Today was so nice!

I enjoyed soccer practice, got to see my wonderful friends, played some mean tenis, and took a long walk in the beautiful weather.

Then I hit up the Egyptian Rat Screw!

^a wall ornament in my darling friend, A's kitchen!

♥Alexandra

Sample the City

2010-03-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the random post title...

I have a Nalgene Bottle that has a cartoon of Milwaukee on it, and it says "Got Milkwaukee? -Sample the City" and It just made me excited for summer and going in the city and stuff and I'm excited.

So, I made it my title. tee hee!

Wow, so today was sooooooo...um, I don't even know how to describe it.

But, it was soooooooooo... nonetheless.

New? I guess.

First of all, I sampled my first bout of Professional Help for my eating disorder.

Her name is Jane, and she is a very intelligent Therapist/Dietician.

I told her a lot about my eating habits, my family life, she evaluated my eating/exercising, and we devised a meal plan for me.

Apparently, my diet (regardless of the fact that my mother has been shoving 190283097503x more food down my throat) is severely lacking in dairy and calcium-containing foods, protein, and lipids.

Yikes.

And I might have osteopenia? Frig. And apparently this is because of my lack of menstruation, because apparently when your body stops producing estrogen, your bone density depleats because the calcium is being absorbed by your body.

Scary, I know. I'm really freaked out.

So she made a sample meal plan for a day. It doesn't fill all the categories that she set out, but it definitely contains all the protein/fat that we established I need to be eating.

I calculated the calories in just that day, which doesn't even use all the exchanges, and it's like a way scary number for me. I'm scared.

But, she really doesn't focus on calories at all. She doesn't want me counting calories. She wants me to "supplement with exchanges." And apparently "Orthorexia" is diagnosable now, so apparently I have that like 100% but I guess I already knew that... =/

Other things about the appointment:

she wanted to weigh me, I said no.

she gave me an "exchange log" to record what percent of my meal plan I meat, what time I eat and who I am with while eating

I am supposed to be supervised, and select a friend to supervise my meals/snacks while at school (yikes)

we figured out the "seeds" of my eating disorder

she almost tried to tell me to stop baking unless I eat some of what I make, but I told her that was not going to happen at all. (I bake excessively. If I ate one of everything, I swear I'd be larger than Jared before his Subway-diet...lol) so, she said to try to sample what I make.

she wants me to follow a 90% healthy, 10% fun eating-lifestyle

I'm really not supposed to count calories

Apparently, I'm a lot more underweight than I though I was.

I REALLY need more protein/dairy/fat (apparently)

I learned that 1/3 of a whole fricken cantaloupe is a single fruit exchange. HOLY CRAP. That's a lot! lol

apparently I have a psychological addiction to coffee. (has nothing to do with a physical addiction to caffeine) interesting.

I better start eating!

So...another first today:

I went to whole foods!

OMG so amazing. I have never been more "wowed" by a store!

And, I got Sunbutter and WhiteChocolate Wonderful

funny, since I still have yet to sample the cashew butter that has been sitting in my pantry for over a month and a half =/

I also got pumkin seeds! (yet to try)

I had a non-oats breakfast.

It's not that I'm in a food rut or anything. I just feel safe eating oatmeal. Also, I LOVE the taste of oatmeal. Also, there is no other food known to man that is as comforting as a morning bowl of oats.

Honestly, it wasn't voluntary, but it happened nonetheless.

I had home-made french-toast "bites"

my mother made me eat them. I was not happy.

But, such is life, and I "need to eat protein". pffft.

I learned today:

the egg yolk is the most nutritious part of the egg.

I have been throwing out the egg yolks for the past 14 months.

I also learned:

my body actually NEEDS saturated fat...something I've avoided for a LONNGGGG time.

interesing.

I also learned:
It's a LOT harder to eat one of these bad boys than it looks! (they looks scrumptious, right? lol)
I could only manage about 1/3, but hey, it's a start, no?
.
.
I don't really feel comfortable enough posting my entire meal-plan-exchange-system quite yet, but apparently, it all boils down to this (for a start)
.
Breakfast
Lunch
Afternoon Snack
Dinner
Night Snack
.
and a hell of a lot of nut-butter!
In order to get all my fats in (while still taming my fears/such) I'm going to have to eat as many as 4 tablespoons a day! (in addition to my other fat exchanges) I guess I need a lot more fat than the average "food pyramid person"
VAS IST DAS?
(and I dont' even know how to speak german, so pardon me if that is grammatically incorrect.)
.
.
Two things I learned about myself today:
I have a HUGE aversion to being weighed
I experience great anxiety when presented with insects in mass quantities.
(I started crying during my run today when I ran through a cloud of tiny flies, and inhaled some through both my mouth and nose, and got them stuck on my contacts and eyebrows)
.
.
Yet another thing I learned today:
The Food Pyramid (my pyramid)
is a complete load of
SHIT
.
I have been in a dark place for WAY too long, and I'm ready to start living my life, and enjoying every damn minute of it!
.
.
How's that for a positive post?
.
♥Alexandra

Good Eats

2010-03-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

Good Eats is definitely my favortie TV show!

just to put that out there...

Here are some of my own:

Breakfast Yesterday and Today:

Apple Pie a la Mode Oats:

Rolled Oats cooked in milk, with lots of cinnamon, chopped apple, vanilla, raisins and nutmeg. Topped with toasted sliced almonds

I boiled the apple and raisins in a bit of water in the pot, first, to soften the apples and plump the raisins, then added everything else. I toasted the almonds for 2 minutes in the microwave and put those on top.

So frickin good!

...close up...

Pesto Chicken, steamed broccoli, sweet potato with chopped honey roasted almonds

Maggie's Idea:

Peanut-Butter-and-Banana French Toast Sammie!

I simply made a PBB, soaked it into 2 egg whites, cooked it in a frying pan sprayed with pam, and topped with cinnamon and 1 tbs real maple syrup.

The Best lunch...ever...

Lemme tell ya, I'll be a protein powerhouse at my game today!

Cocoa oats drizzled with tahini, raisins cooked in, topped with walnuts and honey roasted almonds.
YUM!

Chicken, Spinach, Tomato, Kiwi, and Sweet Potato with cinnamon, rainsins and peanuts

Close up...

the prettiest food ever!

Quickie Post...More later?

2010-03-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

.
.
A little stream of consciousness I had:
.
One of the hardest things I've experienced in my attempted recovery is dealing with my parents, who really don't seem to understand the difficulty of my "situation."
It seems as though whenever I try to personally increase my own calories, they increase the bare minimum amount of food they try to make me eat. So for example...when I increase my breakfast or lunch, they randomly decide to increase my dinner as well, which is compeltely overwhelmingly terrifying and a lot to handle in one day, ya know?
Or when they make comments on how little I'm eating, when it's really a lot more than what they previously were "satisfied" with.
.
I don't get it.
.
Okay...but something inspirational and positive:
Here's a poem I came across...very inspirational for recovering from your eating disorder, or for life in general. I love it!
.

The Dash - Linda Ellis

There was a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of birth

and spoke the following date with tears

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years

for that dash stands for all the time

that she spent alive on earth.

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;

the cars, the house, the cash,

what matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.

Are there things you'd like to change?

for you never know how much time is left

that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what's true and real

and always try to understand

the way other people feel

we'd be less quick to anger

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we've never loved before

if we treat each other with respect

and more often wear a smile

remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

so when you eulogy is being read

with your life's actions to rehash

woudl you be proud of the things they say

about how you spent your dash?

Have a beautiful day lovies!

♥Alexandra

One Day

2010-03-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

One day, I will enjoy eating whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want it, and however the hell much my body tells me to eat.

One day, my ED will be gone, and I will be Alexandra again, and my blog will be that much more interesting.

I really wish that time was now, and I apologize to all of you who read my blog and are depressed by it! It tend to sometimes use it as an outlet for my depression and anger more than my happiness and progress.

Technically, I have been "in recovery" since late october of 2009. I have made about zero progress. This will CHANGE.

I will get better. Soon.

Home-made, Low-fat Pesto Chicken, broccoli, and sweet potato with almonds.

Deeeelic!

Soccer game thursday.

I'm going to the team dinner tomorrow, but I'm packing my own dinner.

Kind of defeats the purpose, no?

But I'm attacking one thing at a time. This week, it's being antisocial.

I will no longer be antisocial!

But, my teachers don't seem to be cooperating. (3 tests tomorrow!)

Adios, loves!

♥Alexandra

Phi Iota Mu

2010-03-21T18:30:00.001-07:00

Eating is such an uncomfortable experience!

There are times that I am so completely preoccupied with food, that when I am actually presented with it, I get uneasy.

There are times when I'm so hungry, and have been eating so little for so long, that every mouthful of food is savored, yet agonizing.

There are times when I eat so much that my tummy hurts. A perfectly healthy amount that would be barely enough for the average person to maintain.

There are times that I feel so guilty about eating, and want to just get rid of it.

There are times when I feel so good about eating, and so happy that I did something right.

There are times when I don't want to eat at all.

There are times when I vow to eat like a normal human being.

And there are times when I vow never to eat again.

Obviously, none of these feelings toward food stay forever.

None of them are permanent, and they fluctuate amongst each other, lingering in some areas more than others.

I want to learn to eat like a normal human being 24/7.

There are so many goals I have right now, and one major lifestyle that I want to live:

on of happiness.

I am a runner at heart, and I want to run. To be a successful runner, I need to eat. A lot. I need to eat a lot of carbohydrates, a lot of protein, and a moderate amount of fat in there.

I need to eat my vegetables, I need to eat my fruits.

I need to eat foods that are healthy and wholesome.

I can't be starving.

I want to excel in school. Brilliance must be fueled as well.

I need to get both my macro nutrients and micro nutrients.

I need to eat.

I can't be starving.

I don't know how to get there!

UGH!

Honestly...to be completely Honest, 100% completely honest:

the amount I eat is constantly fluctuating.

I am constantly trying to find the right amount for me, it seems.

Logically I know how much I probably need for my age, weight, and activity level

I know how much I'd be comfortable eating (max)

I know how much I do eat,

and I know low I sometimes fall to

So, you ask, why am I going to a nutritionist?

To get my life back in order.

I don't know what's going on with my "recovery" right now.

I don't know what is going on with my eating disorder right now

and I, most of all, don't know what is going on with my body.

My stomach is totally retarded, and I wake up in the middle of the night with such severe pain that I almost cry.

My GI is totally out of whack and does not result in "healthy," well, I won't go into that...but it's not good!

I'm scared that I've damaged my body to the point where I will never have children

I still am scared that I'm fat

and I'm scared that I've depleted my muscle mass/endurance

and every day, I feel like shit. Be it physically, because I've eaten virtually nothing, or mentally because I feel I've eaten too much...

nothing seems right.

and I want it to be RIGHT.

Okay:

I don't know exactly what sense was made from this post...I just kind of blabbered and typed endlessly what is on my mind because I just feel the need to type it!

I am so confused with where I am in my LIFE right now.

And you know what? This IS MY LIFE!

But,

"my apologies, dear friends."

my precious pooch!

my grandparents...oh dear!

Love them, so much!

a crazy green smoothie...
not so green, per say...
spinach+berries = an ugly color but a yummy combination nonetheless!

PB and apple sammie!

Cottage cheese with a medley of raw mixed nuts, dried fruit, fresh apple and banana...
all mixed up!

Acorn Squash topped with cottage cheese, Sweet Potato with almond butter and raisins, and a side of Sweet Corn

Whole Wheat Pasta with home made low-fat Pesto, Cabbage, Carrots, Broccoli and some Chicken with Basil and spices

Oh Dear.

♥Alexandra
.

Recap

2010-03-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

No pictures today, sorry loves!

But I thought I'd give you a little update:

Spring break is in a week

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow

My sister is coming home in a few hours

I ate today.

What? After eating a scary low number for the past 3 ish weeks, I felt like death. DEATH.

Today, I said FUCK YOU, ED.

I want to play soccer.

I want to get an A+ on my Pre-Calc test.

To do that, I need brain food, calories!

So I ate.

Hopefully I'll continue this trend.

As Tatianna said,

I don't need to get sicker before I can get better!

♥Alexandra

Ode to a Broken Heart

2010-03-14T07:38:00.000-07:00

I have been wigging out all morning.

But...in lieu of that, I will show you some happy pictures!

Oh. My. God.

Breakfast was so freakin good! I cannot describe the amazingness that washed over me!

I call it: Coconut Creme Oats:

Oat bran cooked in weak Almond Sunset Tea with 'coconut milk' vanilla extract and a tad of cardamom and stevia, topped with Chobani, chopped banana and dried sour cherries

I died.

But...my morning has been a whirlwind of emotion. And worry and fear.

I told you about what happened with H and M, right?

Well, I'm stressing out about it. I wouldn't even call it stressing out because that has such a selfish connotation. It's more like heart-felt disaster. And it has been consuming me since thursday.

I'm worried about M: She found out that I devulged the information, but I haven't talked to her about this. (it happened last night) I'm worried that she's upset with me, but moreso, I'm worried that she's hurt. I care about her so much and I don't want anything to come between her and H because they seriously were best friends. I could see it, everyone could see it. I feel terribly. I don't want her to be hurt.

I'm worried about H: I don't think I have ever experienced a feeling worse than betrayal. Losing trust in someone you care about because they hurt you. I never wanted this for her. I don't want this for her. I want H to be happy. She is such an amazing person. It's impossible to explain how much she just amazes me. I see her and I just think, "OMG. this girl is the epitome of enlightened happiness. I am so glad I am in her presence."
I'd hate to see that ruined, and I can't live with myself being the source of that!

You see? I'm going crazy!

Okay...some eats from yesterday:

Spinach salad topped with orange slices, shrimp, raw cashews, and sprinkled with lemon juice

A side of chocolate oats to accompany my lunch

No-Fry Chicken/Veggie Stir-Fry with Brown Rice and Home Made Ginger-Peanut Sauce

This was amazing! I loved it so much!

It tasted just like regular fried stir-fry, but was 100 times less greasy and 100 times less excruciatingly salty and 100 times more delicious and 1901097294 times healthier!

Rather then "frying" the veggies and chicken, I grilled the chicken and then steamed the veggies in my Wok.

Recipe Here

Oh and I tried Bok Choy...

DELICIOUS!

I wish this post was more positive. I can't wait until the day that I can write about how awesome I've been doing, (eating and mentally and physically and socially)

That day will come, I'm sure of it.

But until then, please just bear with me. =/

After all, this blog is about honesty.

♥Alexandra

Today...Hmmm...Today...

2010-03-11T18:18:00.000-08:00

I really don't know how to describe today, but I'll explain later.

First, some pictures.

yesterday's breakfast:

Dark Chocolate Oat Bran

Lots of Cocoa Powder, Stevia, some sliced banana.

Divine.

It's seriously like fudge. Add extra liquid and boil it until it's super thick.

Amaze.

Closer...

Yesterday's Outfit. In all the pictures of today's, I looked really pissed off.
So I didn't post pictures. lol
But I wore a long white shirt that has a feminine, dressy cut, dark gray leggings, a gray cardigan and blue sporty flats

Dinner Yesterday. I can't get enough oats...seriously.
With chocolate??? Love.
(Don't say anything. This is *not* all I ate for dinner.)

Brekkie this morning was blueberry-tea infused oat bran with stevia and banana.
.
.
.
Okay on-to today:
I have this friend, H. I love her. SO MUCH. She is one of my best friends, for sure.
(This is not the same H that I referred to in a previous post. This amazing girl is not frustrating/misunderstanding in the slightest.)
Anyways...We had a really good talk today. After school we went to a nature trail and walked and talked. It was an absolutely beautiful afternoon, just rained, sunny, smelled fresh, warm. Perfect.
And, we talked. Just Talked. It was so nice.
I talked a lot about my ED and my home life and it was so refreshing. I swear, this girl is so understanding and inspirational and positive, and I am so drawn to her confidence...it's crazy. And we talked a lot about other people in our lives, especially another one of our friends, M.
Anyways...
I'm quite close to M, too, and she talks to me a lot, and I know that M respects and kind of idolizes H as much as I do. (because H is simply an amazing person)
Anyways...a mistake I made today:
assuming that people I'm close to talk about the same things with me, as with other people I am close to.
I subconsciously delivered information to H that M had shared with me, but had not shared with H. Although it didn't directly pertain to H, it affected her greatly, and I could tell that she was crushed.
Me.? I felt horribly. Not only had I unknowingly betrayed M by devulging a secret (I did NOT know this was a secret) but I had inflicted a significant amount of emotional pain upon someone I love so much, H. That kind of kills me.
But, upon discussing our feelings regarding this event, H and I grew closer, or so I feel. I love having serious, honest conversations with people I'm close to. It's so nice. And that + the weather made for an awesome day.
So although that "date" with my wonderful girl, H, was somewhat upsetting, It was insanely refreshing and wonderful and uplifting, and ahhhh... I love to talk!
(not the annoying blah blah blah...but real talk.)
I guess I should say I love having talks.
.
.
.
Soccer practice today was good. Very productive...
But I felt kind of low energy. =/
not good.
Anyways...And I came home and had some of my mom's boiled cabbage and some other veggies...so delicious!
I had a red pepper! I haven't had one of those in over a week...and honestly, I feel horribly deprived. I live for bell-peppers!
lol.
So good.
.
okay, well I have a health test tomorrow...ironically, it is on nutrition. LOL
.
Adios!
♥Alexandra

Ebb and Flow

2010-03-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

Hey There:

These past two days have been very...erm...interesting.

A lot of strange ED-related things happened. =/

I won't go into detail today...I have limited time. Tomorrow, maybe?

Breakfast was Really Good:

Banana Oats with Turmeric, Cardamom, Cinnamon and Coconut, alongside Chamomile Tea

a very yellow brekkie =]

... close up (love my new camera.)

But, I'm quitting piano lessons. Not piano, don't worry, just lessons. I really don't have time for them! And it's become more of a burden than anything. I'm always switching around lesson times because of my chaotic soccer schedule...it's just stressful.

I'm finishing up this month (we pay at the beginning of the month) an then I'm done.

I'm really sad, but I'm also really really REALLY relieved.

It's such a HUGE stress that I don't need right now...

Stress+ED+Me = BAD

I naturally stress out about things, anyways.

Dinner Today:

3-Grain Bowl wih Acorn Squash, Broccoli, Grilled Chicken and spices

...close up

and a crisp Pink Apple. YUM!

Sprinkled with cinnamon, of course! =]

.
.

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately. Just so depressed, unhappy, not-hungry.

I don't get it. Why so depressed?

I'm working on it, don't worry.

I can't wait until this hellish phase of my life is over.

That's sad to say, though, because I wish it never was here to begin with. I want to be enjoying high school and reaping all the psychological benefits. I have gained NIL. Besides stress, an ED and a little knowledge.

Well, Goodnight, Loves.

I hope your day/week is/will be awesome!

♥Gingerbread

♥ Gingerbread Sunday.

2010-03-07T06:06:00.000-08:00

Good morning, loves!

Today I woke up in a very good mood. I slept pretty well. Yay! And I woke up at, what seems to me as the perfect time...7! I like 7am because It's not too early, like 6 or 6:30, but it's not too late either. I can wake up nice and early and start my day, but still be well-rested.

Breakfast was delicious...inspired by "Loving your body." (see below)

Whipped Spiced Banana Oat Bran:

Oat bran cooked in Chamomille tea, with some banana whipped in and sweetened with stevia. Lots of cinnamon, turmeric, cardamom, ginger and nutmeg, a few tablespoons of prepared black coffee (for flavor) and topped with peanut butter.

A closer look.
Very yellow, from the turmeric.

.
Like I said, this morning's breakfast was inspired by "Loving Your Body" which is an article I found on another blogger's blog...lol

Here it is:

Loving Your Body

1) Think of your body as the vehicle to your dreams. Honor it. Respect it. Fuel it.
2) Create a list of all the things your body lets you do. Read it and add to it often.
3) Become aware of what your body can do each day. Remember it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.
4) Create a list of people you admire: people who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world. Consider whether their appearance was important to their success and accomplishments.
5) Walk with your head held high, supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person.
6) Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from activities that you enjoy.
7) Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body.
8) Count your blessings, not your blemishes.
9) Think about all the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently spend worrying about your body and appearance. Try one!
10) Be your body’s friend and supporter, not its enemy.
11) Consider this: your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks, and your skeleton every three months. Your body is extraordinary–begin to respect and appreciate it.
12) Every morning when you wake up, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.
13) Every evening when you go to bed, tell your body how much you appreciate what it has allowed you to do throughout the day.
14) Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good. Exercise for the Three F’s: Fun, Fitness, and Friendship.
15) Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body. Tell yourself you can feel like that again, even in this body at this age.
16) Keep a list of 10 positive things about yourself–without mentioning your appearance. Add to it!
17) Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, “I’m beautiful inside and out.”
18) Choose to find the beauty in the world and in yourself.
19) Start saying to yourself, “Life is too short to waste my time hating my body this way.”
20) Eat when you are hungry. Rest when you are tired. Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty.

Anyways...

I've been meaning to sit down and really work on this list. So, I've decided to work on it slowly. I'll try two every day. (or more, if I can)

Today, I was supposed to honor, respect and fuel my body.

I did so by eating a healthy, filling, nutritious breakfast (fuel) respecting it (by fueling it...not skipping a meal) and honoring it, by using "I ♥ U" dishes. Cute, non?

Onward...

Yesterday I had soccer practice. Since the world is finally melting...there is mud...everywhere.

I had mud...all over.

And I got kicked in the face. =[

It was fun, though!

It's in my hair, too. I don't know if you can see it...

Hee hee! I'm such a character. Lol.
No really...I was MUDDY!

My poor knees, pre-shower.
My poor bruised, battered, attacked, cut-up knees post-shower.
The bruises are a lot worse in real life. (lol. I like it. It makes me look tough. hee hee) The camera takes away some of the black-and-blue. (and purple.)

Anyways.
Here are some fantastical eats from yesterday:
(all recipes posed on Whole Food Mania)

Baked acorn squash, curried pear chicken, a mix of three baked grains (brown rice, barley and quinoa) and a side of fresh spinach salad.

...a closer look

For dessert I had one of these babies!
Fat-Free Vegan Chocolate Truffles.

A recipe I got from Nicole.

Very delicious...I highly recommend.

I halved the recipe and only made 6. The rest went in the freezer!

I have a lot of homework to do today. I didn't really get much done yesterday. But, I did relax, take a nap, and work my butt off at soccer.
And cook a mean dinner!

Anyways.

Today I really want to finish my homework early,

so I can do some yoga/pilates, and relax or go for a run, or idk?

Just something besides sitting around and attempting to do homework while really being super ADD and not concentrating at all. =/

Okay...Have a wonderful day!

♥Alexandra

P.S.

Later, I'll post my #2 from the above list of "Loving Your Body."

March...Already?

2010-03-06T06:27:00.000-08:00

Ahh. Good morning lovies. Yes, It has been a while...

With regards to the title...yes, yes, I was ecstatic that February was over. It was a LONNNNGGGG month, but just now it hit me that it's already MARCH! What? This year is going by so quickly...but the sad thing is, I don't feel like I've gotten much out of it so far...

but then I think about it again, and I really have! But, more on that later...

Breakfast this morning was SOOOO GOOD! It's an awesome fill-me-up and energize-me for my 10 o'clock soccer practice.

Whipped Banana Oats cooked in water and a bit of skim milk with Whole Flax Seeds mixed in
and topped with Roasted Almond Butter and raw Walnuts

This breakfast was SO GOOD. Seriously. Unbelieveably good.

It really hit the spot this morning.

There's nothing better than a good breakfast!

Actually, there IS one thing better...
a good camera!
Oh...My...God...
My new camera is the best thing that happened to this week.
YES!
.
.
.
Anyways...
So how have I been?
S.T.R.E.S.S.E.D.
So Tired. Really Exhausted. Super Sad. Extremely Distressed.
And what have I been doing?
Studying.Thinking.Running.Exams.Soccer.Soccer. Eating Disorder.
Notice that Sleeping is not one of the listed activities, and that Soccer is present twice.
I have been doing too much soccer and not enough rest.
My body is TIRED.
.
.

This week was BUSY!!!
I had two papers due, five tests, a million, bajillion quizzes...
and a bucket of homework!
And there's more that stresses me out than just school and soccer.
My mother, of course, but also my ED voice.
It's been so strong and prominent.
Because of soccer tryouts, I believe I told you that I was planning on upping my calories...
FAIL
It's strange, when my ED first started, I was the one telling myself not to eat, and the ED was giving me guilt and feelings of failure. Thus, I was telling myself not to eat becuase I didn't want the guilt/failure. But, I really wanted to eat. I was always hungry, it seemed.
Now, I am telling myself to eat, because I know I need the calories to perform in soccer. My activity level has like tripled.
My ED is making me depressed, tired, and give up.
But I don't want to eat. I am not hungry. I have no appetite.
It's the strangest thing, really. And I'm not used to it at all. I feel weaker, yes, because I've been struggling so much with eating...but it gives me zero inclination to eat. I don't understand.
I think soccer has something to do with it.
I have practice at a very inopportune time. 4:45-7:15.
Thus, I have a snack after school, but I play soccer through dinner time, and afterwards, I'm not hungry at all. I never am after I work out. And by the time I feel hungry again, It's 9:30 or 10, and I think, "Okay, well, I'm going to bed shortly, and I don't really feel like eating because nothing sounds good, so I just won't."
And then I end up not going to bed shortly, becuase I find that I have significantly more work to do than I expected, and I end up underfed and poorly rested. AKA not enough food or sleep.
=[
It's really hard to function for 7 hours at school and 2.5 hours of soccer on 6 hours of sleep
and the amount I'm eating.
What's my problem? Where did the balance go, that I was keeping so well (subjective)?
I need to find that balance, again.
I need to return to the actual balance I had 2 years ago...the balance that kept me healthy and strong. The balance that made me a Straight-A student, a 2-Time Varsity Athlete, a stellar Piano Player and an Energized Girl that Loved Life.

.
Anyways...
On a brighter note, It's the weekend. I have a shit-ton of homework, but IT IS THE WEEKEND.
I have soccer practice, but IT IS THE WEEKEND.
I am so happy that IT IS THE WEEKEND.
Because sometimes, I just need a break.
.
And now I must go to soccer practice. But, then I will have a break.
.
.
Agenda For Today:
Soccer Practice
SHOWER
Lunch
Homework
Church
Make Dinner
Relax Somehow (movie, family stuff, go out w/ chums)
SLEEP
.
.
.
♥Have a wonderful day, lovies!♥
Alexandra

LAST DAY OF FEBRUARY!!! YAY

2010-02-28T16:06:00.000-08:00

Guess what??? It's the last day of February. OMG YAY!

Today I woke up in a cozy warm fashion, happy and chipper.

And I had some cozy, warm, fashionable slippers on my feet!

Love these slippers!

But, something horrifying happened. (Lol. not really.)

My first ever jar of Almond Butter is GONE!

(well, it was basically gone. Only like 1/2 tsp left, plus some smeared around the inside)

EEKS!

I haven't tried any almond butters, obviously, since this is my first jar, but I recommend it 100%! It's smooth, creamy, and very flavorful. I love MaraNathat. They make amazing peanut butter, too.

So delicious, sodium free, creamy, rich,

I can't potray my love for this nut butter eloquently enough through words.

Naturally, I used the idea that was given to me be so many wonderful bloggers to make Oats in a Jar!

Yummy! I cooked rolled oats in Mandarin Orange Spice Chai Tea, and added cinnamon and cardamom, and topped it with raw sunflower seeds, and chopped dried figs and apricots.

So delicious. This was the best bowl (jar) of oats I've had in a while.

YUM YUM YUM!

Lunch was leftover spiced rice from yesterday. I re-heated it in the microwave with a little skim milk, som water, and black pepper. Then I added frozen peas and a slice of pickled ginger, nuked it some more, and topped it with raw peanuts, which I 'toasted' in the microwave.

This was amazing. SO AMAZING. Warm, comforting, spicy...

.love.

This is papaya:
And it was very disappointing. This was the first time I have ever had fresh papaya, and I hated it! It did not taste good to me, at all. I know this sounds weird, but it tasted chemically to me.
It was gross. Maybe I ate it wrong? Mabye it wasn't ripe?
Either way, I will not be eating fresh papaya again any time soon.

So I had 1/2 orange, 1/4 banana and 2 prunes with my lunch instead.
This was much more satisfying than creepy-tasting papaya.
These flavors compliment each other so well, by the way. I took a little bite of each, and mixed together, these = SHAMWOW! (lol)

All-in-all, lunch ended up being very tasty, despite the papaya fiasco. LOL.
I had a soccer game today, which was AMAZING! I scored the first goal after 3 minutes, (epic, slight push past the heels of the last defender, shoulder fake at the left side of the goal to throw off the keeper, pass into the lower right corner. Bam.) It was a pretty intense game. We were up 2-0 in the first half, they scored one towards the end. Second half: tied the game, then we scored up 3-2, they scored, tied 3-3, then with TEN SECONDS LEFT, my amazing girl Courtney left-shanked the game-winning goal! WHOOO!
So, we won. And it was fun. And intense. And my knees are all scratched up from the astro-turf, but it was totally worth it. =]
.
.
.

I didn't meet my calories today. =[ I had set a goal of XXXX for myself, and I was under by XXX. Oh well. Tomorrow will be better maybe? I don't know.
Oh...but I'm trying a Larabar tomorrow! The apple-pie one. I'll definitely tell you how it goes! I'm excited/nervous. EEKS!
And day one of soccer tryouts are tomorrow.
Honestly, I'm not nervous for those in the slightest.
It's kind of funny. I'm nervous about eating, but not about soccer tryouts? ED's f*ck with the rational side of the brain, no? (pardon my french.)

Anyways.
.
.
OH!!! And I'm getting a new Camera! I'm so excited!!!! I ordered it today. WOOO HOO!
Way better than my craptacular Nikon COOLPIX. LOL
It's a Canon (best ever) Powershot SD780.
SO SO EXCITED!
you have no idea!
food photography will reach an entire new level, for me.
.
.

Okay. I need to go study for my HUGE pre-calc test tomorrow.
Love you all!

♥Alexandra

Saturday. 02.27.10

2010-02-27T18:13:00.000-08:00

Hello dears. It is the second-to-last-day of February. How glad am I? So glad. This month was hell, if you ask me.

These past couple days have been so hard. I've been sick, and wanting to lie around in bed all day. It was hard enough allowing myself to not exercise because my head is so pressurized, I've been sneezing like crazy and can hardly breathe. It seems so easy to just say "fuck it." and not eat. Because that's all I want to do. Lay around and allow my body to get sicker, and more ill and more disordered. My ED is full-throttle. Being physically ill (like from a virus) makes sticking to eating at all SO HARD. I know I don't eat right as it is. And it's so easy to eat nothing when I have such a bad flu/cold. But I didn't. Don't worry. I've actually been eating more than usual. Soccer tryouts start monday, and I don't want to let my ED ruin this for me again. Last year was hell. Especially with my ED and such. Even though I know he won't be gone, I've progressed so much. I've adressed my problem, and I'm going to be seeing a therapist soon. And I'm upping my calories, at least this coming week, so I can perform well at soccer tryouts. But being sick isn't making it ANY EASIER. Ugh. Suck suck suck.

It seriously is all I can do to keep eating. It takes so much effort. I don't like it. It makes me feel full. Just a slight increase in calories...and it scares me, so that little voice in my said is saying "you better damn well make sure that you're eating those calories of the healthiest foods you can find." So I'm eating like 20734092 pounds of vegetables and some fruits and stuff for Vitamin C to help fight off this illness, but for the amount of calories they yield, fruits and veggies are super bulky. And it makes my tum-tum feel bloated and uncomfortable. Not a good feeling. My ED doesn't like it.

But Alexandra likes that she has more energy, despite being sick, which is exactly what I need for soccer.

Breakfast this morning:

1/3 cup Oat Bran made with 3/4 cup water and 1/4 cup skim milk, 1/4 banana whipped in, lots of cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger, topped with a little peanut butter, raw cashews and dates. So yummy. One thing that I have been doing is adding nut butter back into my breakfasts. The protein and fat keeps my tummy happy, and I know it's so nourishing.

This is my precious pooch. Check out that tongue! So funny!

Hee hee! she always looks so sad! =]

Omg but for dinner, I made dinner for my family. It was soooo yummy! I made grilled asparagus, baked brown rice, grilled salmon with pear, onion and asiago cheese succatosh, and baked acorn squash with a filling similar to the topping on the salmon. See my Whole Foods Blog

Dinner was really filling. But, I had set a daily calorie quota for myself and since breakfast and lunch was so fricken filing I skipped any sort of morning/afternoon snack. (bad, I know. Ugh) And I wasn't about to let my ED make me even further behind. I have soccer tryouts coming up for God's sake! I need to make some sort of Glycogen stores! So, I had a cup of warm, rich, bitter, yummy hot chocolate, just the way I like it. It's a specialty organic hot chocolate mix from Trader Joe's (I think) called Abuela. It has cinnamon and stuff in it, and is something like 70% Cacao. Awesome for hot chocolate! I also had "banana pudding" which was essentially 1/2 melted banana with lots of cinnamon and a teaspoon of peanut butter. Yum.

Have a wonderful evening, lovies. I know a lot of you bloggers are sick as well =/

Stay strong and don't let your ED's get the best of you!

Virus or Eating Disorder, being sick is NO FUN!

I am sending you all my love!

♥Alexandra

Here I am.

2010-02-25T16:56:00.000-08:00

It's true that, at one point in time, I was a young, innocent child. I had a full head of blond hair, and not a care in the world. It may be hard to believe, but at one time, I was a free spirit; Excited to take on the universe.

As I grew up, life brought new challenges. New responsibilities. New stresses.

But, I was in control. I developed dreams, goals, a plan...

If I could have looked into my future and seen what my actions would bring, maybe I would've taken a different path. Maybe I wouldn't have become so ill.

But somehow, the control that I had kept so well, the structure I had seen for so long, was falling apart. And so did I. The weight fell off. So quickly, at first...

I grew thinner...

And thinner...

My identity had suddenly become defined by what I put into my body. I now am something so different. A new person. But only half of the person I used to be. The new half is something entirely different, even though it appears to be 'just me.'

I suddenly had a new identity. Or, rather, something new to identify with. I had found a way to deal with my daily struggles. The daily stresses and struggles that come with simply being alive. As time passed and my Eating Disorder progressed, my frequent episodes of counting, restricting, eating, running....fell into a rythmic, yet vicious cycle.

I have found that I no longer know who I am.

Today, I looked in the mirror for the hundreth time this week, it seems. But for the first time, I realized that the fragile girl looking back at me is not who I really am, but rather, who I've become. What I find to be so terrifying is that I don't know who that person is. The past few weeks have been so different. So frightening. I have been so depressed. I have been consumed by my eating disorder in a way that I never though I would. In a way that now defines me as someone I never fathomed I could become.

I don't know who or what is looking back at me from the reflection in the silvery glass. Alexandra is no longer there, it seems. It's not that I'm living with it. I am it. I am anorexia. It's like there's this innate being consuming the picture, and just a little bit of me.

Where is the girl that loves life? That loves to run and play soccer and be free? That loves to cook and experiment with food? That embraces a feeling of warmth and fullness?

Where has the time gone? How much have I lost?

The biggest question I find myself asking, is

"I know who I was, but what have I become?"

♥

Today. Hoy.

2010-02-23T19:55:00.000-08:00

Today's Brekkie =] was sooooo good! I miss the flavor of natural sweetness. I've been having so much NatraSweet lately, I'm so sick of the chemical taste and It just makes me feel ill. I probably won't be having much more of that anymore. Anyawys...

Today started out well. Breakfast was really yummy, but I'll get to that later.

My mom got an interview with a job (phone interview) with the headhunter today and the company tomorrow. OMG YAY!!! I'm hoping so much that she gets it!!! But probably not...good things don't ever happen that easily. But oh well. I almost wish I was't "teased" by it though, and got my hopes up and such.

but I got my history essay back and apparently I got a 89%. WTF? Ugh I hate that so much. My friend got a 98% and she wrote it in class the day it was due. Ugh. So I re-wrote it but my mom didn't like my re-write so I'm scared I'll get a bad grade?? Ugh I hate that class so much. I put so much work into this re-write. I just want an A. Even a bad A will do.

And my tummy has been so off lately. Kind of gassy-feeling (sorry TMI) and yucky and uncomfortable. And body image issues...ugh. I think every pair of jeans I own makes me look fat. And even though I was happy with the amount I ate today I still feel like it wasn't good enough. =/ Ergh...today ED was pretty strong. I had a big snack though, but he made me have a really tiny night time snack because of it.

But open soccer was fun, so that's good.

OK now for some EATS:

Breakfast was Warm Gooey Oat Bran with 1/4 melted banana whipped in, lots of cinnamon and topped with a chopped sweet medjool date and a little coconut flakes.

Soooo warm and yummi! I love the taste of banana whipped into oats. It's soooo soooo amazing and comforting, and even a little bit makes it so sweet and delicious and nomiii.

For lunch I had low sodium Turkey and Spinach Sammie on Panera's Asiago Cheese Foccacia. So amazing. My favorite bread ever! Next to it is crunchy munchy celery sticks and a sliced Yellow Bell Pepper.

After school snacky was BIG! like I said. I had creamy banana soft serve wtih cashews and melted raisins, even though the melting the raisins did nothing. Lol. Topped with cinnamon.

I also had some melted prunes (yummmm) with a tad of Smart Balance Omega-3 Peanut Butter
and some Bunny Love baby carrots. Hehe so funny =]

And some celery with a smidge of peanut butter as well.

and some dried fruit medley! AHH so much food! Suck it ED!

Dinner was 1/2 Panera Sierra Turkey Sammie with no sauce, some baby carrots and steamed broccoli.

And my tiny night-time snack, 3 sliced strawberries with 1 tsp nutella. All melted and delicious.

Alrighty. Goodnight loves.

I wish you all peace and happiness.

I Believe that my body has amazing powers! I can do so many cool things like run and kick a soccer ball, and score a million goals at practice. I believe that I should treat it better, and thank it somehow for being so great. I believe that everyone's body is fantastic and that this week, it deserves a little lovin'

Monday

2010-02-22T17:18:00.001-08:00

Hello Lovies!!!

Today was a pretty good day, too, except apparently my Pre-Calc teacher thinks I give her dirty looks all the time when I definitely don't. =/ I don't know why she'd think that. Maybe because when I'm confused, I sometimes scowl, but I'm usually not confused in that class. Ahhh so frustrating! And I really need her to like me because I want to go to the math contest in May. I went to in last year and got two first place medals so logically, she should take me.

But...anyways.

Breakfast this morning was really delicious:

Fudgy Chocolate Oat Bran with a touch of cinnamon and a Washington Apple on the side.
This is the wonderful out-doors that I get to look at each day! It snowed last night and looks SO SO SO SO pretty! I love it so much. =] Yay for snow.

My tasty lunch: Turkey and Spinach sammie on Panera's Asiago Cheese Foccacia. Best bread ever!!! Along side a sliced red bell pepper and some celery sticks.

My after-school snacky-pooh was a chopped Washington Apple with one chopped Medjool Date, a tiny splash of white wine, a ton of cinnamon and some lemon juice. I 'cooked' it in the microwave for like 5 minutes and was warm and soothing. So perfect after a distressing Pre-Calc class.

I also had one of these babies! Frozen banana chunks are ice cream! (pure love)

After homework, I took a run and did some ab-workout and then had this tasty dried fruit medley and a whole bunch of water. This mix is so tasty. It has dried papaya, raspberries, cranberries and golden raisins. Sooooooo yummi!

I don't know if I told you that my parents bought a surplus of chipotle burritos which they are forcing me to eat... But anyways. Dinner was 1/2 a chipotle burrito with steak (ew) black beans and rice. I have some crazy super spicy red salsa on the side, and a whole bunch of steamed broccoli. As much as I scorn Chipotle, this dinner was very yummy. The sodium scares me a bit, though. The salsa is sans-salt, though!

And of course some Bunny-Luv! Haha such a cute name! And such a wonderful food, too! Organic Fresh Baby Carrots! YUM! (I absolutely adore carrots.)

My sweet little night-time snacky was inspired by Maya and Eliza. And it was SO AMAZE! I whipped up some banana soft serve using 1/2 frozen banana and a few tablespoons of skim milk, gave it a whirl with my amazing Immersion Blender and topped it with a chopped date and a few cashews. OMG PURE LOVE!

I also had two melted Medjool Dates with a tad of Maranatha Roasted Unsalted Almond Butter. I am addicted to this combo. Seriously. The best thing that ever happened to mankind. Or to my tummy at night-time! So filling, so warm and gooey. It's pie! I swear! Uhhh I cannot express my love for this enough! Whoever gave me this idea is so amaze. I love you! (even though I don't remember who you are. =/ )

Okay so back to my day.

I feel so badly that so many girls are struggling with their EDs so much lately. I have been too, actually. I don't really like calorie talk on my blog, but sometimes I just have to let it out... so idk last week I had upped my calories significantly but I just felt so horrible and bloated and sick and lethargic and I hated it! I hate the feeling of over-eating, even though it was WAY less than even 'normal eating.' I hate it so much! So this week I am back to my usual and I feel so much better but half of me feels guilty because I took a big step, and I just proved to myself that I am not stronger than my ED. Ugh. I'm so mad/sad but yet still so relieved because it's so stressful to be conscious of "oh I'm eating XXXX calories when I'm so used to XXX. and I feel good at XXX and my ED is nice to me at XXX."

It's just so freaking hard. And my mom doesn't understand this AT ALL! She always makes crude remarks about it. Like at dinner today, I was discussing with my parents about how free-range, organic meat is better and that 85% of antibiotic resistance is from animals. And my dad said "well I've been alive for 50 years and I haven't encountered antibiotic-resistant bacteria yet... lol" and I said "well I have seventy years ahead of me, during which I probably WILL encounter it!" and then my mom said "You have 30 years of child-bearing ahead of you, but that won't happen unless you get your period."

WTF mate??? WTF! I wasn't even talking about my ED at all!!!! It was a perfectly innocent conversation and my mom totally ruined it and rubbed in my face all over again that i was actually eating this beef I was talking about. And all because of her! God knows if it was up to me, I'd never touch another morsel of beef for the rest of my life!

That was such a downer comment. Way to go, mom.

But my dad understands a lot better, suprisingly. He helps a lot with buying food that I am comfortable eating, or hope to be comfortable eating in the near future. (like Larabars)

Overall, though, today was a good day. I hope the rest of the week is this way!

Have a wonderful week lovies!

I believe that there will be a day that an ED is no longer whispering in my ear. I don't know when this will be, but I believe that there will be a day, that marks the rest of my life as such.

♥

NEDA

2010-02-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

Hello Lovies!!!

Ahhh today was such a good day!

I finished all my homework, it is snowing, I had a soccer game, I scored a goal at my soccer game, my wonderful daddy bought me food (omg yay!) my skin is soft because i put on lotion yesterday and I've gone 24 hours without getting into an argument with my mother! YAY!

On the food note:

In honor of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I've decided to post pictures of everything I eat for the next 5 days. This includes snacks and meals away from home. I hope I don't get in trouble for taking pictures at school =]

To start off this 5-day trend, (although it doesn't count as one of my five days) here is a picture of my yummy dinner:

1/2 Panera Sierra Turkey Sandwich (no sauce) and some tasty, crunchy baby carrots.

I also had 2 dates with almond butter and 2 dried figs.

Sooooo yummi!

Ok so I have to thank whoever it was that gave me the idea of melting fruit (dried and not dried)

I simply must give credit where credit is due =]

Haha but one amazing blogger (and I don't know who it was) wrote about melting dates in the microwave and then dipping them in almond butter.

HOLY HELL IT IS SOOOOOOOO GOOD!

seriously. I died.

so amaze. You don't understand.

(or maybe you do...in which case I'm very VERY happy for you.)

Okay now more food...

My daddy bought me food.

OMG YAY! ($80 worth, too)

I have had seriously no food lately because he's been in Mexico. Okay, I've had food. But nothing new and exciting and today I completely ran out of oat bran, and I only had 4 or 5 dates left. (ahh!) I've just recently gotten hooked on dates. I didn't even know what they were until a year ago and I was too creeped out by their ugliness that I refused to try them. But I was inspired by you wonderful bloggers and now I am in love. ♥♥♥LOVE

Okay but like I said, I got groceries!!!

A Huge box of Raisins (gotta love Sam's Club!)

Oat Bran

Lots of Dates

Raw Cashews

Almond Butter (love)

And then a whole bunch of brand new things that I've never, ever tried!

Cashew Butter

Prunes

And a Huge box of Larabars! (AHHH!!!) It has Apple Pie, Cherry Pie and Cashew Cookie. 6 of each.

I'm SO EXCITED!!!!! I'm so happy with the progress I've made as far as food goes, regarding trying new things. I've tried Almond butter and I'm absolutely in love, I've tried Dates and they've become my absolutely new favorite fruit EVER, I've tried oat bran and it has doubled my breakfast opportunites, and so many other amazing things!!!

And I'm so happy that I have found people that support my quest for organic-natural-pure-healthy food.

And I"m so excited to try all these new foods! Maya and Eliza adore cashew butter and it looks soooo soooo sooooooo yummy. I can't wait to try it! I know I'll love it. And I sampled a prune today...so moist and delicious. pure love. And I'm MOST excited about Larabars.

You seriously have no idea how baffled I am that the Cashew Cookie Larabar has TWO ingedients. WHAT THE HOLY DAMN! That's so crazy. I can't believe it. Seriously. two? Where are the preservatives? Where are the creepy chemicals? Where are the ingredients that I can't even pronounce? Ohmigosh I'm so excited to try one! I've been waiting and waiting to try one for so long and now I own some. YAYAYAYAY!

But a little tiny teensy itty bitty voice is telling me that maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to eat one because they have a lot of calories. (This little voice would be called my ED which actually isn't so little.) I'm not so scared of the fat grams because I know it's from nuts...and that's seriously like 1/2 the ingredients. But idk they seem a little small to have 200ish calories. But I WILL try one. I'm so excited that I have some and I'm not going to let ED ruin this for me! I'm just going to wait a little bit. Kind of build up confidence...you know? I think the first day of soccer tryouts will be a good day. I'll have like half before the tryout and maybe the other half after. But nevermind planning food.

All in all, today was absolutely fabulous!

And hopefully this week will be, too. A snow storm is on it's way so maybe a snowday tomorrow? One can only hope.

Great eats coming soon! (the next 5 days)

Bye loves!!!!

♥Alexandra

I Believe...

2010-02-20T15:50:00.000-08:00

I first want to apologize for my negative, sarcastic, angry post yesterday. I was mad, and I truly belive that light needs to be shed on eating disorders and how they are a disease. not a choice, or something, anything beautiful.

Anyways. I am so inspired by Maggie's post about beliefs. I think it's so amazing and inspirational and thoughtful and wonderful. I love it so much.

So I'm going to make my own!

I believe in the Universe. I believe there is a supreme power of existence. I believe that life is too serendipidous to happen by chance, but divine creation is too much of a fantasy, to me. I believe that there is a power that can perform miracles and stellar events. I belive that what I call the universe is the underlying force of the human mind and all fantastic phenomena.

I believe in love. I believe that love is more than an emotion or a feeling -- it's a power. It's an inseparable bond between two people. I believe in all kinds of love. I believe that one day I will find love in a wonderful man. I believe that the love I have for my sister will never die. I believe that passion exists.

I believe in myself. I really, truly do. Anything I put my miraculous mind to, I can do. I believe that my mind and body were a gift to me. I am in complete control of my body and my mind. I believe that I have immesne potential, some of which I have not realized yet. I believe that one day, I will create a life for myself that will bring me eternal bliss. I believe that I am my own person, and thus, I belive that one day, I will find true happiness.

I believe that food is the essence of existence. Without food, life could not exist. I have found that through food, I can find comfort and strength, even though it has become a difficult process for me, and I once believed it was my enemy. Even though I am still struggling with food, I believe that my body will become the epitome of strength, efficiency and beauty by providing it with the most nourishing foods. I believe in health.

I believe in time. Without time, nothing can happen. I believe that everything happens once, and that we can't go backwards in time for a reason. Time teaches lessons and provides opportunity for growth and development. Time changes things. It heals wounds, but can also create them. Used correctly, time is key to happiness.
I believe in respect. I believe that I must respect my earthly home (nature) that I must respect myself, and that I must respect people and ideas that are important to me. Respect is a system. You get what you give. I believe that if I pay respect where respect is due, I will earn rewards for my efforts, and be able to award this to others as well.

I believe that the world is a busy, confusing, scary place, but with regards to my own life, I believe that I can make it work.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Have a wonderful, beautiful evening lovies.

I believe that believing in something is ever-important.

Find something to believe in.

ERGH!

2010-02-19T17:33:00.000-08:00

Today was a day of SO MANY UPSETTING THINGS.

First of all...I kept thinking about what a girl i know(ish) (I'm going to refer to her as H)said to me recently about my eating disorder...

"I seriouslly and really hope that you truly realize what you're doing and what damage you can do and that it doesn't just affect you."

This is so frustrating to me!

To H...

You need to realize that I didn't choose this and I am not choosing this. Do you understand that this isn't a choice at all? Do you understand what hell I'm going through??

Yeah...I know you think you know you "know all about anorexia" because A,(another girl) had it and she talked a lot about it to you and you helped her a lot...etc.

This is a complex disease.

just because you might have wittnessed first hand A's experience with it...

does NOT mean you have any idea what I'm going through.

A and I are two very different people, with two very different families, from two very different backgrounds and living two very different lives. We are not the same person, and although we suffered from the same disease, it was two very different forms...or maybe not? who knows...but you don't understand me, or what I'm going through...and I don't appreciate your judgements.

And if that wasnt bad enough...I came across THIS on the internet.

WHAT THE FUCK?????

Holy Hell...and I am LIVID!!!

To all of you who "want to be anorexic..."

By saying that you want to be anorexic, you are saying that you want an eating disorder. IT IS AN EATING DISORDER! Not a bodily composition. It is an eating disorder just as much as bulimia, binge-eating disorder, compulsive-overeating and sheer and utter hell all the same. It is not glamorous, it is not beautiful, and your body will not look hot and sexy and attractive like you're hoping.

Do you SERIOUSLY want to look like that girl in the picture?

yeah right... because if you do? you have something seriously wrong with your head.

So let's say that you get what you want...you get your "anorexia"

You think you'll wind up thin and insanely gorgeous, right? wrong.

You will be ugly. You'll look in the mirror at a skeleton frame and see the epitome of obesity and be wondering how in the hell that happened to you...

Because you count every single calorie you put in your body.

And, like some girls (i.e. me) you count each miligram of sodium.

And you stare in horror at your horrid, emaciated reflection wanting to cut off your limbs and flesh so you will be able to see more bones, BONES BONES!

oh, but you'll never see them...

The whole while you'll be wondering why in the hell you aren't losing weight even though you haven't eaten for the past 10000000 days...

but it isn't even about weight...you just want to feel good about yourself because everything in your life is fucked up.

You're so lost and confused and your friends don't love you anymore (or so it seems) because they're out having fun, and enjoying their lives and stuffing themselves silly with pizza, yet they're still thinner than you which makes absolutely not sense at all...

And you won't be able to think clearly...so that must be the reason for the distorted body image...

Your brain is a fog. Did school come easily before? Well, not anymore. You'll have to work 100 times harder at your straight A's, and it'll be 1000000 times more difficult because you are so preoccupied with calories...CALORIES...CALORIES...

And don't think that you'll be able to push those calories into the corner of your head for even one second so you can focus on homework...becasue the whole fricken world will be nagging you about eating.

"eat this, eat that, why don't you just eat...what's the big deal?"

but of course, you can escape to your room and cry...like you always do. Because that's the only thing that seems worthy of doing lately...is crying. Because you're so sad and depressed and want to die. And your heart hurts and your gut hurts...we're talking spiritual pain, here, but don't forget about the physical pain. Your legs will ache, and your heart will flutter awkwardly and your chest will hurt. A LOT.

and your HEAD will hurt. Every day. It'll feel like it weighs a million tons pushing down on your neck...and your eyes will feel heavy and you'll hardly be able to see, especially when you black out all the time.

I'm sure you want this.

I'm absolutely positive that you want to be anorexic. And don't think that it'll go away...don't worry! Your new 'friend' will be here for years. Whispering in your ear telling you all the "right" decisions.

you want this so badly...

So here it is.

Sheer, pure hell.

But it's totally worth it because you'll be thin, right? Anything's worth it for thinness! Thin is in!

Have fun with your new disease...

If there's one thing that pisses me off, it's irrational, uneducated people making stupid, hurtful, judgemental commments.

And when people get ideas about something that they're completely uneducated about. And see it as something that it completely isn't.

And what I hate EVEN MORE...

is when people glamorize anorexia.

I can't even express my anger right now.

.sorry.

hopefully a more positive post tomorrow

Hello Lovies!

2010-02-17T17:14:00.000-08:00

Hi!

Well...I really have been slacking on blogging, no?

It's not slacking, I'd have to say. Slacking is a term generally used for skimping out on a chore...and blogging is one of the farthest things from a chore! It's strange...I read blogs every day, I just somehow get so distracted from my 'stuff' that when I realize how much time I've spent, I no longer have enough time to write a post of my own!

Okay... so here I am!

Red eyes and all...

And let me tell you...the red eyes in this picture are SO SLIM compared to what they are now! (and have been the past few days)

It's the weirdest thing!

My eyes are bloodshot beyond belief and I have no idea why!

(no, I do not do drugs/drink)

They don't itch, they don't hurt, they don't burn...Only my left one feels a tad dry and uncomfortable. But, just a little, and just my left one...and oddly enough, the RIGHT eye is redder than the left! So strange!

I'm so concerned!

And I know it isn't my contacts because I wore my glasses all day today, and no results!

Okay...a little aside:

some beautiful, delicious eats from the past few days!

Luscious red strawberries and two sweet medjool dates.

The prettiest little dessert ever!

Yummy, antioxidant-rich 85% cacao Lindt and Sprungli Dark Chocolate

(and my history notes/text. the worst class...ever)

Soupy Breakfast Porridge
I know, it doesn't look too appetizing
(old fashioned oatmeal, chopped banana and strawberries, nutmeg and skim milk)

Gorgeous little heart-shaped cakes that I made for my lovely chums for ♥Valentine's Day!

(Heart-Shaped Brownie cut-outs (from scratch, of course) filled with rich Butter Cream and coated in my seductive dark chocolate-rum ganache)

Multigrain flakes with raisins, walnuts, skim milk, and a tad of cocoa powder. Delic!

*Not to be triggering:

This last week was AWFUL! I had the absolute hardest time eating, which I think I said. I don't know...some days I ate hardly anything at all for a few days, and then the next day I just want to kick myself (and my ED) and so I eat a GOOD amount (like 1600-2200) in hopes of compensating a little but it's just so hard for me to eat! Every mouthful of food is agonizing...no matter how hungry and unhappy I am. and when I eat it, I usually eat little, little, little during the day then get to like 3 pm and say "Okay, let's do this!" and I do, and it's so satisfying, but I think about how many calories I ate in such a small space of time (like 4-5 hours) and I just feel horrible and depressed and angry.

I want to get to the point where I can eat a comfortable amount at each meal and have snacks and such...and eat a reasonable amount during the day (maybe like 1300-1500) and feel good about it...

But the hard part is, is I'm so terrified of eating a reasonable breakfast! I usually eat like 75-150 for breakfast, and I haven't gone over 250 at breakfast for over a year!

It's the hardest part for me...with my ED

and then I get to dinner(ish) and I'm like "Fuck this ED" and I eat a lot and just feel horrible.

It's seriously like a binge (okay not really. 1000 calories isn't a binge...and neither is 1500 even...)

and I feel so out of control. And my anorexia tells me "Hell, you're not even anorexic if you eat like that." God it's so frustrating. And like...there's no one to talk to about it.

And then the days that I eat so little are so hard because I play soccer/run track and stuff and when I get to practice I'm just so exhausted from existing for the past 24 hours that I perform badly and get so light headed and people are just like "wtf why won't you just eat? you look like hell!" and they don't understand what it's like and it makes it that much harder!

And I keep trying to tell myself..

"tomorrow, you're going to eat three meals, and they each have to have at least 400 calories, because then that'd be 1200 which is an okay amount."

And I get to morning, and I can't bring myself to eat more than 125 calories at breakfast for any given time period.

It's so terrifying.

FUCK.

(pardon my french)

Oh, hell...

Enough on that subject.

On a brighter note...

My dad is coming home from Mexico friday. ( I know I said Wednesday at first, but it got extended to friday. poo.)

And I talked to my sister today

And I ascertained that trail mix (raw nuts + dried fruit) added to wheaties and topped with skim milk is the most amazing thing...ever...

(not as good as oats, though)

just love cereal...

And soccer tryouts are in less than two weeks...uh....

HELP?

So nervous!

I mean I don't really have anything to be nervous about as far as tryouts go...I already know I'm going to be on varsity...

But just soccer in general is so scary to me.

Last season was pure hell...with my ED and low weights and all the pressure that comes with being a varsity athlete...

And my sister kept telling me all through soccer season "Why don't you just have a body like Maddie? Like eat enough to get to her weight...etc. She's hot!"

Because I was totally unhappy with my body and felt HUGE despite the fact that Maddie weighs 20 pounds more than me, which is so hard for me to accept becuase she's really thin (like really thin) and looks HOT (super super hot) and yet I still feel like I'm significantly larger than her even though I weigh so much less? (20 pounds...holy hell) Makes NO SENSE.

I love her and all, she's a great girly and one of my close friends...but I hate that I compare myself to her so much. She's my height so I constantly compare my body size and feel 100x bigger than her... (I know...it's body image distortion...)

and I am insanely jelous of her soccer skills...

She's played club like all her life

and her wonderful cooperative hair

ugh and her confidence!

I just want the confidence.

I can live without the soccer skills

and I can't change my hair so why be jealous,

and I hope I will eventually love my body and see it as beautiful

I just want to be confident.

Okay I know...such a long post!

But another thing that I want to comment on is like my social-self...

I fell like so behind my peers socially?

I never see my friends!

Like...I guess I do, but I've come so reclusive with my ED and hiding from the world, I'm like afraid to go out and I get scared of social gatherings that have food because it just stresses me out and stuff...and although I like being single, I feel inadequate because two of my best friends are embarking upon 'sexual endeavors' with their boyfriends and obviously I love hearing all the juicy details and although I would NEVER ever EVER get a boyfriend just to do what they're doing, it sounds so adventurous and idk fun i guess and I kind of feel left out and like I'm wasting my life and chances at 'experimenting' (lol) in my youth...idk

I just feel like this is so much time wasted...and all because I'm scared....but of what?

of life?

of love?

of food?

Damn Anorexia. Ruins everything.

And that's another thing --

Lent starts today, and my ED said to me...

"Hmmm...what to give up for lent? What if you gave up food and fasted on nothing but water for 40 days?"

That scared me.

Ahh!

I'm supposed to be working on eating more????

(even though I'm struggling a lot with that)

So wtf would I want to do that for?

I don't...my ED wants me to

So instead, I'm giving up restricting.

Okay...not necessarily giving up completely...

I don't want to get into numbers but...

But I'm going to try to make myself eat at least 1000 every day?

It's big, I know and kind of scary and hard to think about and I know it's kind of a really scary low number but not as low as what I was at?

And it's hard to do on my own so I'm glad that I'm getting a therapist soon...

like really excited...I hope she can help me!

My doctor was saying all this stuff about it and what not.

But I have to wait until friday at least because my dad needs to talk to the insurance people and yaddah yaddah

Gosh wow this was a long post...

sorry to bore you with all this ED stuff...

Going to go do some history homework now...

Goodbye loves!

♥Gingerbread♥

Well, Good morning!

2010-02-12T14:57:00.000-08:00

I've missed you all! seriously!
No pictures today, sorry.

I guess a little catch-up? (no, not ketchup...lol)

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday...it went horribly, I really don't want to talk about it. Ugh.
Essentially this is what it came down to: I need to get a blood test (omg yikes!) and I am going to be getting a therapist/psychiatrist/whatever that specializes in eating disorders.
Well that's just peachy.

Idk...I've just been really depressed this whole week. It was kinda really super suckish....lots of crying. Grr. Anyways.
And I've gotten pretty bad grades on my Pre-Calc quizzes...ew. I failed one of them and definitely missed 1 on my last one. (okay...shush... minus one is bad for me...okay? and failing??? well that's just miserly)

And I had a history paper to write...and today in class, my teacher essentially made me cry. God I swear she hates me.

And my dad is in mexico until tuesday...

Anyways. Today and this whole week were awful. But today started to turn around a bit in chemistry. I just LOOOOOOVE Mrs. Mytech. She's so nice and funny and chill and makes everything go a little better. Anyways. So I didn't go to practice today...I came home and ran instead. Normally I don't like running alone but today's run was so relaxing. And I liked hanging out with my bestest wonderfulest girl in the whole world Laura on the bus. So that was fantastic. I don't know...just during my run, I thought a lot about the past week and what I would've liked to change, and what I want to do during this upcoming soccer season, and what I want to change from last year.
It was really hopeful and uplifting and I felt all productive.
Onward...
So this weekend will be fab...hopfully?
I have virtually no homework...I just have to read a few chapters or The Red Badge of Courage. (Absolutely the worst book ever...never read it!)

Tomorrow I might start posting a few eats...maybe...
I've really been having such a hard time eating lately. And I've been so depressed...I think the two feed off of each other. I'm really trying to work on it. I hope my psych helps.

Okay... well goodbye lovies!

And Alas

2010-02-05T16:12:00.000-08:00

This will be my last boring post. I promise.

After all, It is post number 50!

New start? I think yes.

Anywho...I'm going to the doctor Thursday. I am going to hold off my posts until then, hopefully things will have turned around by then. But, as of now, things aren't going so great. Hopefully next Friday I'll have some tasty cuisine to show you all...especially breakfast.

The thing I miss the most? My morning oats. =[

Goodbye for now, I'll miss you!

But when I come back, I'll be (trying to be) eating (normally).

I have a list of new foods that I am going to try...if you have any suggestions, hook me up!

Larabars

Clif Bars

Cashew Butter

Carob Chips

Carrot Cake Oats

Fruitition Bars

Not-Plain Oat Bran

Avacado Sammie =]

FroYo

Almond Milk

Strawberry/Nut butter Sandwich

P.S.

To all of you who feel the need to post disrespectful/inappropriate comments on my blog...DON'T.

I didn't ask for your "advice."

This is a supportive community. Not a destructive one.

Gee Whiz.

In the mean time, Formspring Me.

If you see K...

2010-02-03T19:11:00.000-08:00

Haha...the title is modeled after a song by the Script. "If you see Kay"

Anways.

There's a girl at my school, K (I abbreviated her name for her own security) and she just got out of IP. I never talked to her, and I saw her so rarely that I didn't even get the slightest notion that she could be anorexic, until I found out.

It's shocking, really. But even though I never spoke to her, I feel this undying need to talk with her NOW and tell her that I completely understand her situation, and that I'm on the same boat and that I'll provide any support possible to make her recovery easier for her.

The thing is, I feel like it'd be invading her privacy because it really isn't any of my business. I know the lonesome feeling she probably has, and the fear and the uncertainty of the next few weeks, and of course, the sheer horror of gaining weight. I wish I could help her. And maybe she could help me...?

Well...This little ode to K:

I really hope you're doing better, and that when you come to school, that things go well. I am sending you as much luck and love as is humanly possible and I hope that we can help each other and be close! (somewhat)

Haha...after all, you are dating my ex-boyfriend, so we must have something else in common besides just anorexia. haha. =]

Love,

Alexandra

Sorry

2010-02-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I just need to complain here. I'm sorry that this might be triggering to some.

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

I'm going to the doctor next week.

I don't want to eat until then. I've been at 750 for the past 2-ish weeks (minus saturday) and today I was so hungry that I had 1250. I also ran 3 miles this morning (-350) and did abs/push ups etc but I just feel so guilty and my ED is telling me all these horrible things.

For breakfast I had 1/3 cup oat bran and milk (125)

Lunch was a sandwhich, carrots, cucumber, red peppers and celery (225)

Dinner: (all in small amounts)

calico beans: 150

applesauce/yogurt parfait: 90

Healthy cookie with PB: 85

Cereal with Milk: 240

cottage cheese with bread: 85

muffin bite with almond butter: 100

pecans, craisins and cottage cheese 150

I kind of have like a binge eating disorder. NOT REALLY but it's a binge within the realms of anorexia. I go for like 6 days hardly eating anything and then on the 7th day I eat hardly anything until dinner when I somehow kick my ED to boot and eat like 875 calories for dinner.

I know I should be gaining right now and I technically should eat that much at like every meal but what the hell! I feel so sick when I do it because I'm not full afterwards, but I get thirsty and drink like a whole bottle of water which then makes me full.

And when I stop eating because I'm finally satiated, the anorexia kicks back in, and says, "you just ate more than a day's worth of calories in one sitting" as if 875 is realistically a day's worth. Pah...as If 1250 is realistically a day's worth! (when in reality, it is, but it shouldn't be. a day's worth should be double that)

I just feel so lonely and depressed. It sucks. And I can't concentrate on my boat load of homework because I just keep thinking about what a failure I am.

God damn it. I hate being anorexic. I wish I wasn't scared to eat breakfast. I went through a phase where I'd have 190 calories of oatmeal+healthy toppings for breakfast which is a lot of increase but of course that was "too much" according to Mr. Anorexia and now i'm back at 75 + 6 oz of skim milk to behoove my parents.

I can't wait until this is over. My ED is telling me that I better sure as hell not eat until my doctor's appointment or else he'll think I'm fat and be like "Gosh...she doesn't have anorexia, she has obesity paired with a fear of food!"

That is what my ED is telling me right now, even though my BMI is in the low 16. Holy hell and what the frig.

I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!!!

sorry.

On a brighter note, though, I checked with the Academic Guidance Counselor at my school and as of Today, February 2nd 2010, I am #1 in my graduating class.

Cool, huh?

I'm pretty proud. =]

Sunday

2010-01-31T13:19:00.000-08:00

I love sundays.

Seriously. They are definitely my favorite day of the week. Just so relaxing, and not stressful at all, and having been able to relax all weekend is just so nice! I always feel refreshed on Sundays no matter how much sleep I got.

So yesterday I had the best surprise, EVER!
I went to my uncle's house for a family party. All my my dads cousins came in from minnesota and colorado and such. And even the rest from Illinois...and I got to see Cousin Dan! Haha this guy is seriously so much fun!

But guess who was there...

HILLARY!

(my amazing, wonderful, fantabulous sister!)

And I enjoyed myself at the party! I ate. Wow.

I tried one of those adorable little cream-filled eclairs, I had a small slice of my tasty carrot cake, a cute little russian tea cake, a chip with some bean/avacado dip...so good!

And my sister convinced me to have an OJ with Malibu....haha.

I usually don't drink but in celebration of the occasion, I shoved my ED and the calories into the corner of my head and had a drink! lol.

Gosh I hate alcohol. It burns!

Now don't think this is a frequent occurance. This was seriously only my second time having a drink.

My uncle asked me to make dessert for the party so here are my delicious treats:

White Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies

Rich little Russian Tea Cakes rolled in powdered sugar

Carrot Cake!
This is definitely one of my favorite desserts, ever! I absolutely love cream cheese frosting!
And I am not even a cake-person, and I adore this cake.
~my own recipe~

And in the mean time, I baked some super healthy zucchini-carrot-cake muffins for my own breakfast enjoyment. They're really delicious, and moist, and I love them so much! =]

Zucchini Carrot Cake Muffins:

¾ of a small zucchini, grated
1 large carrot, grated
½ cup unsweetened applesauce
1 egg
1 egg white
¼ cup white sugar
4 packets NatraSweet
2 tablespoons wheat germ
2 tablespoons whole flax seeds
½ cup whole grain oat flour
½ cup whole-wheat flour
2 tablespoons raisins
¾ teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 teaspoons cinnamon
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
¼ teaspoon ground ginger
¼ teaspoon ground cloves

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and spray 12 nonstick muffin cups with Pam.

In a large bowl, whisk together the flours, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, wheat germ and flax seed. Make a well in the center and set aside.
In another bowl, whisk together the applesauce, egg, egg white, NatraSweet, sugar and vanilla.

Pour into the flour mixture and mix with a wooden spoon until barely moistened. Stir in the raisins and the grated zucchini and carrot. Spoon into the prepared muffin cups, and bake for 15 minutes in the preheated oven.

Remove hot muffins from the muffin pan and place on a cookie sheet. Toast muffins for 5 more minutes. Serve hot.

Anyways.

Yesterday was SO MUCH FUN!

I love to bake. Seriously. There are few other things that make me happier.
Today I baked some MORE! I made double peanut butter cookies for my friend Perko. He really likes my cooking, apparently, and has been begging me to bake him a batch of cookies for the last two weeks. I finally got an opportunity. YAY FOR SUNDAYS!

Unfortunately I am still grounded and was not allowed to go to my soccer game today. =[
Oh well. I have been running OCD-fashion for the past week and a half, so a day off won't kill me.
I usually wake up at 5 to run. Geez Louise!

And for lunch yesterday my mother made some DELICIOUS chicken noodle soup! It was so good and so delicious. I love chicken noodle soup.
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme will forever own my heart.
haha

Okay, goodbye loves!
Have a wonderful day!

Alexandra

Thank you.

2010-01-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

Today I want to say thank you.
Thank you to my sister -- you are my best friend in the whole world. I don't know what I'd do without you. You make my life so much brighter, and I doubt I'd be alive if you weren't here to support me in everything I do, and offer advice even when I don't want it. You make me who I am.
Thank you to Ashlyn...for helping me realize that I have a huge, huge problem. Be it anorexia or not, that I need help. Thank you for being so positive, supportive and inspirational.
Thank you to all these wonderful bloggers that inspire me to take control of my eating disorder and knock it around a little. Inspiring me to stay on track with MY life and to kick this ED to boot.
Thank you to the Universe, for giving me this wonderful chance at life, and despite the fact that I nearly blew it by wasting it away or possibly letting an ouside demon eat away at me until I was nothing but an emaciated frame. Thank you for giving me a second chance and keeping me from getting there.
Thank you to my friends for always giving me an "out" despite the stresses of my day.
Thank you to my teachers for believing in me and encouraging me to strive for academic success.
Thank you to my dog for not hating me even when I yell at you because my ED made me irrational.
Thank you to coach Neil for facilitating my cross country career and helping me to be a better athlete and a better person. And by encouraging me to make decisions that will benefit ME.
Thank you to my Daddy. Thank you for everything you've given me, all the shit I've put you through, and all the shit you've protected me from. Thank you for working so hard so my life is better than yours was, and for being so supportive of me. Thank you for believing in me and trusting me, and always treating me like an individual that was worthy of being taken seriously.
Thank you to my mother, for teaching me everything that i don't want to be. Thank you for showing me what awful things can happen when I allow obsession to take control over my life, and by not controlling my emotions. Thank you for, indirectly, making me a better person. Also, even though I hated it at the time, thank you for teaching me to read when i was four or five years old and for forcing me into piano lessons and to learn long division and my times tables during first and second grade. (I am *not* thanking you for the hell you put me through in 8/9th grade though)
Thank you to Mrs.Guyett for being my health teacher instead of Mr. Rigitano, even though nobody else appreciates your passion for human health. To be honest, I was pretty pissed when I found out I was being switched into your class. I hope you never read this.
Thank you to everyone who loves me. You are oh so essential to my health.
And...Thank you to my body, for doing all the amazing things you do. You are so miraculous...and I love all your systems and how they work together. Thank you for taking me everywhere you've taken me, and for accomplishing so many beautiful things. Thank you for staying strong even though I've treated you badly for so long.

A new semester started this monday. I am in health class for the first time in my high school career, and for the first time in my life, I am actually learning something worthwhile. I used to think that I was the healthiest eater in the entire school district. I scarcely consume refined sugar and fats, I never drink soda, my diet consists mostly of fruits and vegetables, I eat more spinach than Peter Rabbit and the last time I went 24 hours without taking a mulit-vitamin was when i was in 7th grade, the year before my obsessive behaviors began. Honestly, I believed this until yesterday.
Yesterday was an A day. I had health class second period. For our daily writing exercise, Mrs. Guyett asked the class to write a general assessment about our total health: physical, mental and social. I said that I was in tip-top physical shape, but that due to stress, i was a bit mentally out of whack and because of all of my activities, i had virtually no social life. I truly believed what I was writing. Until today, when I realized that every single thing I said was a lie.
Contrary to my previous assumption or acceptance, it is not healthy to restrict my caloric intake to 750 calories per day, AND run at least 3 miles, AND to pilates for 30 minutes AND do 250 sit-ups. It is not healthy to restrict my sodium intake, to weigh myself obsessively on a scale that doesn't even work, with slight hopes that maybe the next time, it will. It is not healthy to drink 3 bottles of water instead of having a snack when I'm hungry an hour after I ate my 125 calorie breakfast. It isn't healthy to starve myself to the point of dizziness. It is not healthy to cry every night as I fall asleep because I feel so horrible, my stomach is stabbing with hunger and my mind is so overwhelmed with contrasting thoughts about food, school, friends, sports and sheer existence.
This eating disorder of mine is ruining my life. I want to have beautiful, healthy, strong children some day, and I look forward to preparing nutritious, fun, balanced meals for them, as well as incorporating exercise into their lives and sharing my love for health and happiness with them. I was contemplating this today...and then it occured to me: This will not ever happen if I don't get my weight up so I begin to menstruate again. This will not ever happen unless I develop a healthy relationship with food. How can I teach my children to love nourishing, healthy food and have a passion for the health of their bodies if I don't do so myself?
She doesn't know this, but Ashlyn helped me realize this. As a former anorexic, she knows exactly what I'm going through, and she understands, herself, that it's something that always remains in the back of her head, but is just tamed. Sometimes, the demon flares up and makes her feel horribly about contmplating the consumption of a cookie.
It isn't the cookie, that's evil, though. She is stronger than a cookie...easily. She can decide for herself whether or not she wants one, or should have one. The quesiton is, is she stronger than herself?
The question isn't about whether or not the cookie will stimulate the demise of her health or make her feel mentall happier than ever before. The quesiton is about what she tells herself about that cookie.
For me, it's the same. The questioning comes from what I tell myself about a fricken cookie. I even go through the trouble to bake nutritious, healthy, whole cookies without saturated fat or high levels of fat in general, refined sugars or simple carbohydrates. Even though in my rational mind I know that these cookies are the healthiest cookies on the face of the planet, I am still afraid of eating them. Why? because I tell myself that they're bad because they're treats...and I am unworthy of enjoying food.
I don't know why I think this, it must be part of the disease...but I think it nonetheless. And I want to stop.

Today I got over the fact that I am dearly in love with my "cute little clavicles."

And I gave my body more nourishment than the usual 750 calories. However, 375 of these calories were complete and utter CRAP because my awful mother made me eat a disgusting, processed Portillo's beef sandwich for dinner, but I ate, nonethelesss.
Usually, when horrible things like this occur, my self esteem decreases by 99% and I slump into my room feeling horribly, feeling sick, and refusing to eat for the remainder of the day and forcing myself to eat even less the next day. I never feel any better, and I just feel worse and worse until the cycle repeats. Even though I'm eating, I feel nauseous because Portillo's beef has ZERO nutritional value. Hence the nausea.
Anways. After my mother left for the health club (thank god) I realized that I ate dinner at 3:30. Why? becasue I was FAMISHED. And I was so hungry even after the damn sandwich that I allowed myself a banana (100) even though this would mean I'd be over my limit by 100.
I don't know what made me think about it, but instead of thinking "damn...I just at Portillo's AND A FRIGGIN BANANA," I thought, the only nourishment I've had after school is a banana, becasue Portillo's isn't nourishing. Heck, I could benefit from just consuming the calories. and for some reason, I went downstairs and made a small bowl of oatmeal.

Granted I was pretty darn full after this small bowl of oatmeal, because my food was finally digested, but I thought...I could probably use some more nourishment! I haven't had milk in over 3 weeks becasue I've been dumping it down the drain. What if I had a glass of ice cold skim milk, a tasty crunchy healthy almond-chip cookie and a small spread of almond butter?

I did. And It was so damn delicious. The whole time, I was telling myself what a good thing I was doing by eating this nourishing food. The cookies aren't even really cookies...they're just cookie-shaped, nutrient-rich pellets that also happen to taste amazing. I felt so comforted by these foods that I had another cookie with almond butter and 2 tablespoons of almonds. Total today: 1300. That's 550 more than usual! And as guilty as I feel, I also feel a little proud, because I ignored my ED and fed by body, because I could FEEL it crying out for help. My muscles have been aching, and I can tell I'm getting sick becasue my throat hurts, my nose is running and I just feel kind of sluggish.

You know what? I'm glad I did it. And even though I can't guarantee that I'll think so rationally tomorrow, and make such good, healthy choices, I know that today, TODAY, Thursday, January 28th, 2010, I made a good decision regarding my health, and I gave my body carbohydrates and whey protein when It needed it, that it makes a world of difference...even for a moment.

125 calories of cocoa powder, oat bran, skim milk, black coffee, 5 almonds, and a shit-ton of NatraSweet. (The essence of breakfast for the past week)

Oriental Noodle-Slaw and Sesame Chicken. (home-made, and incredibly delicious)

Good bye, loves. MAKE GOOD CHOICES FOR YOUR BODIES.

~Alexandra

Today is Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday.

2010-01-24T17:54:00.000-08:00

Breakfast this morning wasn't quite as tasty as I would have hoped. I have to say that I definitely prefer hot oats to cold oats! Anywho...I tried to make a cold version of Maya and Eliza's carrot cake oats, but failed miserably. I left out numerous key ingredients, like nuts and nut butters and, uh...HEAT?

Anways: It was Oats with grated carrot, chopped (unripe) peach, cinnamon, NatraSweet, a little milk, some greek yogurt and a few raisins and almonds. I paired it with some Orange Spice Tea. The tea was better than the oats, honestly. Next time I'll have to try it the REAL way...I'm sure it will be 10 times more delicious!

Today didn't start out well at all!

I had a horrible time sleeping. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, and I woke up way early, too. (6 am is early for me on a weekend, okay?) I was very frustrated to say in the least. To make matters worse, I felt SO SICK. I was tired and fatigued and my legs were all Jell-O-y and I just felt like a train wreck. I looked pale, too. And I was dizzy and lightheaded and couldn't think and couldn't walk in a straight line (I generally can't walk/run in a perfectly straight line, but this was completely out of whack) and I felt nauseous and ill and I didn't want to eat at all.

After breakfast, I felt just the same. So sick, so weak, so fatigued, so AWFUL!

Then lunch time came around, and I was pretty hungry, but I really didn't feel like eating. I did anyways, though. I had (sorry no pics) a little bit of chicken and pineapple, a hummus sandwich, and some of my mother's chicken soup, which is essentially broth with a whole bunch of vegetables.

Slowly, and I mean SLOWLY I started to feel better. And then a little better still, and finally I felt normal again.

I'm pretty sure it was a lack of calories.

Wow, I'm glad I feel better.

^^I know, I know, I look like death...

For a tasty post-soccer game snacky I had a Dark Cherry Almond Clif Bar. YUM! It was SO good! I loved this bar so much! I love Clif Bars in general, but this one hit the spot so much!

And for dinner I made something SO GOOD! (sorry I don't have a picture) It was marinated oriental sesame orange chicken, and then a crunchy kind of pasta/cabbage salad. I don't know if any of you have ever had Ramen Salad (you know, with ramen noodels and cabbage and stuff) but I totally wanted some of that today, but I obviously didn't want to be eating Ramen, so I made one with whole wheat pasta, home made sesame dressing and a whole bunch of veggies and spices. It was so colorful and delicous!

Maybe a picture of the left overs tomorrow?

Anywho.
I have to go do homework.
Darn teachers....

Love,
Alexandra
♥Gingerbread♥

Finals are FINALLY over...

2010-01-23T14:18:00.000-08:00

Well, Hello again, My lovelies...

I'm still alive...surprising isn't it?

Finals are over.

I have never been more relieved.

However, my teachers seem to have NO compassion for us students, and I was assigned to read Lincoln's Inaugural Speech, and The Constitution of America (wtf? that's like 1908310 pages) and to write a persuasive speech.

Can you guess what my persuasive speech topic is?

Organic versus Conventionally grown food.

I'll bet you know where I stand on that issue...haha

Organic, of course!

If you know of any reliable, legitimate informational websites about organic food and referred me to them, I would be OH SO APPRECIATIVE. =]

Anyways...FINALS ARE OVER! and I am glad, and I am back.

Sorry I didn't say goodbye before I left...I didn't know I would be leaving. Lol.

But I had so much to do! I was studying SO much and It was so stressful, and I had to go into work on Thursday too. YIKES!

But I got A's on almost all of my finals...I got a B on my Hon.Amer.Lit final and I don't know about CADD or Pre-Calc but I'm sure I did fine.

YAHOO!!

Oh, and I apologize that my last post was so depressing, so sad, so complain-ish, so pointless and possibly triggering. I was being completely irrational when I posted it. And I think I'm going to delete it. I was in such a bad mood and I was letting my ED get the best of me...and during finals week? Way to go, Alexandra.

My head is on straight, now.

Breakfast this morning was ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!

I had some Wheat Bran in my pantry and I was reading about everyone's Oat Bran creations. Silly me, I thought it was virtually the same thing!

Now I've never had Oat Bran, but I am 100% postive that it is nothing like wheat bran.

I basically ate a bowl of flavorless, chewy fiber. I have never eaten cardboard before. Much less boiled cardboard.

**Wheat Bran is not any form of Porridge!**

So in lieu of this morning's awful breakfast, I'll share some of my tasty eats from the past week with you.

Asiago Cheese Bagel from Panera. So good! And so light and fluffy, and kind of moist, too?...yum! Oh my gosh!
Peanut Butter Oatmeal with raisins, shredded coconut, coffee and greek yogurt.

Plain(ish) oatmeal with a whole bunch of cinnamon and some NatraSweet (boring, I know. I wasn't eating enough during finals...but I still had my oats!)

One day I decided to have eggs for breakfast. I apologize, I know this looks disgusting, but it was SO FLAVORFUL!

1 egg plus 2 egg whites, 2 chopped mushrooms, 2/3 cup chopped spinach, a whole bunch of parmesan cheese and garlic powder, and italian seasoning and basil!

Cook it all up in a pan sprayed with Pam.

A tasty little snacky-pooh.

My favorite cereal, Cranberry-Almond Crunch with skim milk!

YUM-O!

Quinoa porridge.

1/4 cup Quinoa cooked in 1/4 cup milk and 1/3 cup water, with raisins, coconut, cinnamon and almond butter.

AND A HECK OF A LOT OF THIS STUFF!

Yesterday I made cookies using Brown Rice Syrup.

It was my first experience cooking with Brown Rice Syrup.

The cookies weren't that great. Mediocre at best,

but I really liked the flavor of this syrup by itself. I'll definitely be using it again, just not in cookies.

See Whole Food Mania

Well, I wish I could tell you more about my life, but It's all been study, STUDY, STUDY!

and now I have to go to work.

So, farewell, Loves!

Chocolate Fudge (bean) Brownie

2010-01-18T13:02:00.000-08:00

Breakfast this morning was delicious! Whipped Banana Oats with cardamom, ginger and nutmeg, almond butter, chopped almonds, and Greek Yogurt. 'Twas very tasty, i have to say. Especially paired with my mother's Cinnamon Vanilla Coffee. Soo yummy! I loved it.

I studied all day today, except for during my lunch break! I had tex mex beans and spinach with onions, red pepper, balsamic vinegar, basil, italian seasoning, garlic, crushed red pepper and a little salt. It was also really good.

Even better, though, was my black bean brownie! So amazing...so fudgy, so low in calories! There were only 80 in that big old thing! I had this one, plus another one for snack, paired up with 1/4 sliced banana and some Leche con Cafe. (I stir about 1 tablespoon of prepared coffee into 1/2 cup cold milk. The coffee is so aromatic and flavorful...it tastes just like a frappuccino, without the calories and the awful feelings of blotation and guilt afterward!) Today's snack was out of this world!

Here's the recipe...haha. I know, it's not in legible english, but that's what my recipes look like when they're being written...chaoitc. haha. The recipe is here. They are really delicious and don't taste like beans at all!

I had to have a burger for dinner (stupid mother) but I was able to skimp away half of it when she wasn't paying attention. I was feeling really LSE today and guilty and such, because I didn't run. I was trying to give my body a rest. I almost didn't have any dessert/last meal because I was thinking "oh, I didn't run, I shouldn't eat." Thankfully for my body I was able to decipher between the ED's mean influence and my logical mind...so i had some orange-nutella bananas.

It's so hard...because I want to talk to somebody about the way I'm feeling. I am so scared that I'm going to be infertile if and when I ever get my period again. I want to have babies sooooo badly. (at least 3) and what if they get all deformed and stuff? God. I hate this! One half of me is saying "you fattie, stop eating. The only thing you can eat is spinach and water." and the other half is saying "you should eat intuitively. Like Karina. And get your period, and make babies one day."

God. I am so confused, and scared and I feel so freaking alone. I want to ask a doctor if he think's I'll ever be able to have babies or not!

And i wish I could post positive things!

Anyways...I again did not give into my ED today...
after piano, I was really hungry. so i ate an orange. 65 extra calories.
and I didn't even work out.
My conscience is going bonkers right now...because as I said, half of me is happy that I got nourishment when my body was telling me it needed some, even though it was past 7 pm, and the other half is telling me what a failure I am.

I feel badly becasue I constantly find myself wishing I was past this stage of my life, but i want to enjoy ever moment I'm alive, not wish it gone!

Goodnight, Loves. And I am so happy for you all that you are gaining or maintaining weight and not necessarily counting calories like me. I can't wait to be like you. =]

Alexandra

Sunday Morning Gingerbread

2010-01-17T09:24:00.000-08:00

This morning I made some tasty Oats with 1/6 of a smashed banana, a TON of cinnamon, some ginger, clove, nutmeg, NutraSweet and vanilla. It was kind of like a Cinnabon! Especially topped with raisins, pecans and more cinnamon, an almond-butter swirl and some rich Greek Yogurt "frosting"!

My mother was being so rude this morning though, and I couldn't take a picture of my delicious breakfast. My camera was being dumb, and I thought maybe it was the batteries so I went to the counter to borrow the batteries from a flashlight to take a picture but "YOU NEED TO ASK!" and blah blah blah. Fail. No picture. And she was crabbing at me the whole time, so instead of savoring my amazing breakfast, i studied chemistry and gave her the silent treatment. Lol. I'm so mature. (not)

AAAAAAAnyways... After I finished I was so disappointed because it was so delicious, but gone so fast! So I counted down the minutes until snack time (11am) and as soon as the madre went to bed, I practically sprinted downstairs to make some more! And I even had another mug of hot black coffee!

SO DELICIOUS! The sensational contrasts of texture and temperature between the hot, creamy oats and the cool, smooth, amazing Greek Yogurt...OHMIGOSH! The different flavors were so warm and comforting...perfect for my day of studying.

I studied. A lot. History. For EVER! Then I went for a run. I got back at 1 ish, just in time for lunch! I ate lunch at 1:30. Here are my tasty eats:

A turkey sammie on a whole wheat bun, with wilted spinach, a smidge of grated extra sharp cheddar, and some italian seasoning.

A bunch of steamed broccoli with SPICY mustard

And then, I studied...more. More history, and I made a timeline of my American Lit...BORRRRRING! And then I took a break to crochet 1/4 of a flower...fun...

The most fun, it seemed when I was cooking, and eating. That is bad. I need to find fun in more than just food. I always think about food. Anyways...

My daddy bought fruit! Pineapple, bananas, oranges, apples...YUM!

Mi Madre and my yummy pineapple!

The rest of my FRUIT:

And for dinner, I had sweet potato succotash with D'anjou pear, onion and spinach, topped with cashews and drizzled with Tahini. Soooooo yummy! I loved it... a LOT! It was AMAZING. The recipe is here.

And for dessert, I had something AMAZING: Greek Yoghurt and cottage cheese mix, topped with 1/3 of a sliced banana, raisins, coconut, almonds and dried pineapple. Then I added a little shake of cinnamon. DIVINE!

I'm very saddened to leave you thinking that my day was exceedingly uneventful, but it was. I hate studying. To infinity and beyond, and probably always will. Well, on the bright side, I have another day of the weekend! (but I have to spend it studying...yay.)

Goodbye, loves!

A little inspiration...anything you want, you can make it yours! (don't think of the lyrics as profane, or it gets ruined...haha) Another thing is that Shakira is beautiful, or at least when she isn't dancing like a hooker. She's not skeletal like all the european models, and she has curves and confidence! Let her positive influence rub off on us!

12 miles and a Bottle of Chocolate Milk

2010-01-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

Breakfast was not fun this morning. While I sat down, innocently enjoying my PB Banana Crunch Oats, I was suddenly bombarded by my parents: "You don't eat enough." "This is unacceptable." "If you're not getting your period, something's wrong." "This is stopping. Now." "You are going to eat what we tell you, and how much." "There's no questions." "You are going to eat MEAT." "You weigh less than you did two years ago. And then you were underweight." "You're supposed to be gaining. Growing. You're 15. I diet because I'm 50+. Not 15." "You're going to start gaining weight." "This is over." "I'm going to weigh you every day, if that's what it takes."

Thanks Daddy. Thanks Mommy. Thanks Hillary. I was actually enjoying my oatmeal. Whipped Banana Oats with a bunch of cinnamon, ginger, NatraSweet, raisins, PB, peanuts, and coconut.

My darling headbands from yesterday. This is the first time I've ever made any sort of clothing or accessory. I think they're cute. And I'm damn proud of them.

OH. MY. GOSH. But today was a day of FIRSTS!

First: I ran 12 miles today. It was the most amazing athletic experience of my life. And I wouldn't change a thing about it. You know, 12 miles is almost 13.1, which is a half-marathon. Damn! That makes me feel so badass. Haha. It was so amazing. Hannah, Ashlyn and I (love them!) ran from our house to the bike trail (1 mile) and from Mile 6 of the bike trail to Mile Zero. Then we ran in the 90 degree cardinal direction to Caputos (5 miles) where we had lunch. It was hard. Correction. It was insanely difficult. But I'm so glad I was able to complete that challenge and transform it into the triumph of a lifetime (thus far) with two girls that I love to death. It was so amazing. I honestly could've cried when I finished, because I was so proud. It was freezing cold, a hell of a distance, and the footing was nearly fatal in some spots, but it was SO fun!

Second: I drank a whole 16-ounce bottle of Dean's LowFat Chocolate Milk with tons of cornsyrup and crap afterwards. I purchased it at Caputo's for $0.99. It had 320 calories. I would never have imagined drinking that before. I've read from numerous athletic resources that chocolate milk is the best thing to drink/consume after athletic activity becasue it's ratio of dissaccharides to protein is so great, and it's light on the stomach. So that's where that came from. And you know what? It wasn't as hard as i thought it would be! I was soo hungry and tired, and it tasted so delicious and refreshing and nourishing after that incredible distance...ahhh. And then I had a tasty swiss and turkey sandwich on a whole wheat bun, some pineapple and 4 pita chips. So tasty. And I loved every bite. And It was so nourishing.

However, my "soul" was not warmed enough after being in the cold for 2.5 hours (it was 22 degrees. Oh, did i tell you? We did 12 miles in 2.5 hours. Awesome? Yes. lol) So I as soon as I got home, I took a really long, hot bath even though I was super close to passing out. lol

And then I had one of my delicious "Skinny Decaf Mocha-Choco-Lattes" Which, essentially, is decaf-coffee with cocoa powder, cinnamon, ginger and NatraSweet. Soooo tasty, so fulfilling! (The history book ruined it, though. I hate finals.)

And after my 3 hour lifeguarding shift, I was FAMISHED! So I had 1/2 of this baby:

And a banana. So tasty! I love chocolate, I love bananas, and I love 9pm snacks when I'm positively famished. And you know what justified the chocolate? The fact that I burned 1176 kcal on my run. And it was sooo delicious. And filled me up perfectly. I don't think I could've eaten the whole chocolate bar, because that's just way too much sweet stuff for me, and 1/2 was perfect. It wasn't too sweet either. The banana was sweeter. And It was soooooo nice to have after such an exhausting day, between running and work. And I am soooooo comforted! And I want to go to sleep!

Boy oh boy will I sleep well tonight!

Goodnight, Loves!

01-15-10

2010-01-16T05:43:00.000-08:00

I apologize for not posting yesterday! I usually post at night, and I had to work until 10. When I got back, I went straight to bed!

Breakfast yesterday was inspired by Maggie's breakfast week. (even though it isn't still breakfast week...haha) I made Pumpkin Pie oats, which tasted nothing like pumkin pie, but were still delicicious! Whipped Pumpkin Oats with vanilla and pumpkin pie spice and raisins, topped with chopped pecans and almond butter. SO GOOD!

After breakfast I retreated to room where I attempted to study but the enormous pile of books on my floor freaked me out and I had absolutely no idea where to start. That was good, though, because a little later, my mom called me down to do dishes and clean the floor...so even though it wasn't my intended course of action, I was occupied. =] Haha

I wanted to have my first little lunch at about 11 but I was definitely waiting for my mom to go to bed, but she didn't! So at 11:30 I began cooking some onion, pepper and spinach Quinoa with Tuna. It was really tasty! I was actually a bit surprised. I'd never had Quinoa before, and I'd most definitely reccomend it!

About and hour after that, I went for a run...and I made some headbands and bracelets. Maybe I'll post pictures of them later? But for now, just my smiling face =] Running makes me feel so good! Except my hip flexor was hurting today. Sad day.

I really wanted to practice piano...so I did! And It was really fun! I tried to make a preview of my songs for y'all but the video sucked and I looked pretty ugly (haha) so i didn't upload it. lol

After my run, It was SNACK TIME! Yum! I tried to make a Latte Mocha bowl of oats. It was pretty good, but would've been better with less coffee and some sugar. Whipped coffee and cocoa powder oats with cinnamon, vanilla and ginger, salt, cottage cheese, coconut, peanut butter and almonds

And then I had to work. =[ It was pretty boring...duh...I'm a lifeguard... The swim classes were today, and I kept getting splashed, and they made the air so much more humid...and then...my dad forgot to pick me up at 10. I considered calling him when my shift ended at 9:45 to see if he left, but I thought he might get annoyed. Since he's usually a bit early, I called at 9:58..."Are you almost here?"

"Well, what do you think? What time is it?"

"9:58."

"Oh. Oh my gosh. I'm leaving now."

"great."

And that was the end to my wonderfully eventful day. =[

Bittersweet Harmony on a Lighthouse Beach

2010-01-14T17:13:00.000-08:00

Today's breakfast was inspired by Maya and Eliza for a dried fruit medley...and It would've been absolutely delicious, except that A) I added too much clove, which made it a bit bitter, and B) I didn't add much nutty-ness which left me hungry once i got to school. The added protein and fat from nuts really helps curb my appetite and I realized what I've been missing at breakfast all along! But otherwise, it was very tasty! Whipped spiced oats with almond extract, cottage cheese, dried apricots, cranberries, raisins, figs, pecans and flax seeds. The spices were cinnamon, vanilla, ginger, clove, allspice, nutmeg and some of my Fruit and Almond Tea. It was a very good breakfast for the most part, just not quite as satisfying as I would've hoped.

The Mug that I used was so beautiful. It had a picture of a gorgeous lighthouse off of some cliffs...MMM! I'd love to go there sometime! Lighthouses are so beautiful and natural, and with the sea lapping up against the cliffs...Oh man! That'd really be a getaway! It's so peaceful to think about...And It seems like the old-europe type of vacation that I could sit and look out the window watching the waves as I eat my oatmeal. Yum!

In my room, I was again reminded of the ocean! I saw my sea-shells...Ohh Summer, where are you?

And downstairs I was walking towards the door to let my dog out and I noticed how quaint the pumpkins looked. I simply had to take a picture!

For dinner I had about 3/4 of a sweet potato and some chicken, with cinnamon, clove, nutmeg, ginger, cayenne pepper, garlic, onion powder and salt, topped with raisins, craisins and chopped walnuts. Really tasty! I love those wintery flavors! So good with a sweet potato! YUMMY!

But today in general wasn't all that great. I've been thinking SO much, and I've decided that I'm going to have to end it with Ian some time soon. It's just getting more and more drawn out and the more I think about it, the more I realize that he's just not right for me! (not that it's likely that I'll find Mr.Right in highschool, anyways) but with all my problems and isses that I'm already dealing with, I don't need someone in my life that claims to be depressed and I feel obligated to talk to. I don't know. He's not like me. I feel uncomfortable around him, and I feel like he's trying to live up to these encompassing expectations that he thinks I have. The only thing I expect him to do is talk to me! And be comfortable around me, and just enjoy my company. But he always seems like there's a stick up his butt and he has to "think of things to talk about." I want it to come naturally. I'm seeing this as a HUGE red flag. Something obviously isn't right, and I don't want to waste precious time of my life waiting for things to change, when they probably won't work out anyways. You know, I had a feeling about this...

Hoy Vay. And finals are next week, I have to work twice this weekend, and I already have decided that I'm not going "OUT" because I need to study. This should be a fun next few days...

I feel badly, that I'm cheating myself out of enjoying my life, by putting all this pressure on myself and planning so far in advance that I'm NOT going to do anything fun, but then again, grades are SO important and I have SO MUCH studying to do, it's worth it for my future to spend this next week just studying my butt off. This is one instance where I know the payoff will be SO worth the suffering!

Goodbye, loves!

1250 for $12.50?

2010-01-13T15:34:00.000-08:00

Ahh. Wednesday. Morning. I love morning. And this morning was fantastic! I woke up at 5 again to run because of Academic Bowl practice. =] It made me all energized and happy and excited to be alive. And the peanut butter crunch oats inspired by Haylee which were oh so delicious! Thank you, Haylee! Whipped PB oats with Granola, raisins, peanuts, flax, and coconut, with cinnamon, ginger, allspice, and cloves mixed in, and topped with milk and coffee. YUMMY! So so so so SO good! =] They were a perfect start to my morning, paired with black vanilla-cinnamon-spice coffee.

I've noticed that I feel so much more energized throughout the day when I wake up early and run in the morning. I love mornings (dark ones) for one, and running in the morning is great because then it's over with and I don't have to deal with it after school when I'm tired, hungry, cold and stressed. And It makes me feel really good...sweating for an hour (or 3/4) is so refreshing...and it makes it even better when I have a cool shower waiting for me upstairs!

Hoy vay. Today was interesting though. My sister keeps giving me a hard time about my eating habits. And apparently my dad is "worried" and all that bull. But you know what my mother said today? She went to lunch with an old friend of hers, Bruce. She told me afterwards, "Yes. It was fun. And he said I look good, so that must mean that I look nice and slim and thin." Do you see what I'm up against? That makes it 100 times harder. I know my ED is telling me irrational things. My mother is like the living entity of my ED but she doesn't tell me directly that I'm fat. She makes me eat things like beef and milk that just make me hate myself more. But she always raves about how "fat" SHE is...and she's not. What impression is that supposed to give ME.

Anywho...enough about that. School was pretty good. My driver's ed test was easy for the most part...which was surprising.

Eating at school is awkward, though. With my new eating schedule (which I LOVE) i am forced to eat in class, because my lunch hour (on A days, at least) is far to late for a 5-meal plan. So I eat in class. Mrs Mytech (love her) always jokingly makes fun of me..."Tarr! Eating again?" It's cute, really, but my ED voices are criticizing me...saying that she's judging me and everyone else is too, thinking that I'm such a pig and yaddah yaddah...In reality, I kknow (or at least hope) they don't but I feel so much more energetic when I eat more frequently, and a substantial amount.

And Ian...I don't even want to get into Ian. I am having a marginally good evening...so I'll save that rant for tomorrow.

Lots of Love!

Alexandra. Gingerbread

(maybe more later...?)

Tuesday Morning Gingerbread

2010-01-12T16:50:00.000-08:00

This morning was rather rushed, seeing as I woke up at 6 rather than 5. I didn't run this morning because there was track practice after school. I just love those girls. They're so nice and such fun to be with! Especially Hannah and Ashlyn. =D

But anyways...for breakfast I had some delicious oats with cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and vanilla, I stirred in about 1 teaspoon of peanut butter so there were little chunks of pb in it and topped with cashews, diced dried pineapple, cottage cheese and diced dried apricots. So good! I even stirred in a few tablespoons of my Orange Spice Chai Tea and it was even better. =D Black tea or coffee goes so well with oatmeal. I love having a hot breakfast in the morning!

For dessert (after dinner) I had the same dessert that I had a few days ago that I didn't post a picture of. It was so delicious, and I really wanted it again! So this time I made it prettier so i could post a picture for you all.

For school I wore this giant turquoise sweater of my mom's. In reality, It's not that giant, but it was her maternity sweater (loose and baggy and such, but still elegant) so I dressed it up with some white flowery tights, my brown suede boots and some gold bangles. It was a lot of fun. I love the vintage look but I don't have that many clothing articles in that style. I have a sweater or something, but then nothing to wear it with. As my wardrobe slowly grows, I'll be able to wear more things.

Anywho...

I have a piano lesson at 8:30 tonight...I actually practiced! Be proud of me!! But I also have a Driver's Ed test tomorrow. (dang.) Those tests are really hard, and he scarcely ever has them graded until a few class periods later. I don't have class until next tuesday! That's a long time to stress out about that grade. And even worse, finals are next week. I have so much to do!

But on a brighter note, Hannah, Ashlyn and I are planning a 10-mile run for the 4-day weekend, and we're going to finish it off by going to Caputo's to buy some exciting foods for lunch! It should be loads of fun!

I can't wait. But in the mean time, I must study. I love you all, whoever you are...

And oh, I DO HOPE you exist!

How Fun.

2010-01-11T18:35:00.001-08:00

http://www.formspring.me/Gingerbread9494

.Gingerbread Monday.

2010-01-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

As much as I hate monday, today I had a new look at it. It's my life, and it's up to me to make the most of it. So, I enjoyed my morning, and I viewed monday as the morning of the week. Speaking of morning,s this morning was particularly enjoyable. I woke up at 5, ran, showered, and enjoyed my breakfast: Oats whipped with cinnamon, ginger and vanilla, 1/4 tsp instant coffee granules plus 1 tablespoon prepared coffee, topped with cottage cheese, shredded coconut and chopped almonds. This was, by far, one of the best oatmeal creations I've experienced. Maybe because it was paired with the rich black coffee (seasoned with cinnamon, ginger and vanilla extract) which brought out the natural sweetness of the oats and nuts compared to the biterness of the beverage, or the fact that the morning itself was so sweet. I thoroughly enjoyed my breakfast.

The rest of the day, unfortunately, was not quite as sweet. As far as food goes, I really liked the 5-meal plan...up until dinner. I was pretty hungry by the time I enjoyed my tofu sandwich and baby carrots, and it simply wasn't as fulfilling as hot food is, or as fulfilling as i hoped it would be. I got home from the Academic Bowl meet ravenously hungry, and ate some carrots to appease my angry stomach. I feel a little better, but i feel like i wasted calories. I felt really damn good during the day though...so energized, so happy.

The crash occured on the bus, and things went down hill from there.

One big problem is the boy... he doesn't talk. I can't have that. I brought it up today, and I think things are taking a turn for the worse. He has ZERO self confidence. That's not the type of person I need in my life right now, and as much as I deny my own self, I can see that. I almost wonder if it would be better to end it, but then it would show that despite all the time I put into contemplating if i was making the right decision by accepting his "courtship" was all for nothing. I can't have that either. I really don't know what to do.

And I have been so preoccupied with food lately that it just hit me today how very close finals are...NEXT WEEK for God's sake! Dear lord, If I don't get my act together, I'm going to fail every single one of them. And what's even worse, is apparently the study guide that I completed during the FIRST WEEK of break, was due last week. I didn't turn it in even though i had the work done, and was >this< close to getting a zero. 45/50 will be sufficient, but not particularly acceptable.

An interesting bit of information for you...my pinkie is literally an ice cube. I swear...but the rest of my hands are moderately warm. I don't understand.

♥Gingerbread.

I don't know why Gingerbread "strikes my chords" per-say. But I love the term.

Alexandra. Gingerbread. My life.

Goodnight friends, whoever you are...

I'm Bananas for Bananas.

2010-01-10T17:11:00.000-08:00

I just had the most delicious, wonderful, fulfilling dessert. And I was >this< close to taking a picture of it for you, but it didn't look particularly appetizing, and i didn't want to dissuade you from trying it! It tasted like one of those delicious chocolate oranges smashed together with a banana milkshake. DELIC! And only for 95 calories!

Orange-y Bananas with Nutella: 1/2 banana, halved lengthwise and sliced 1/2 teaspoon orange zest 2-3 tablespoons milk 1 teaspoon nutella In a small bowl, mix the banana slices, orange zest, and milk. Microwave for 30 seconds. Dollop the nutella on top, and microwave for another 20-30 seconds. Enjoy! (If your microwave is anything like mine, be careful, because it will be hot! If not, microwave it some more.) Sooo good! So creamy, so soothing, so healthy, so delicious!

So anyways, my dinner was just as light as I had intended it to be. I had a quiche sandwich (140) which was right on. Because of my run, I felt obligated to have a few more calories, so I had that tasty banana thing, and 1/2 cup milk. Total for the day: 1135. Totally worth it.

It's weird. There's like a war going on in my head. One little voice is telling me to eat less calories, and the other is telling me that i should eat more. The problem is, I don't know which one is the angel, and which one is the demon.

Goodnight, World.

5 -Mini-Meal Gingerbread.

2010-01-10T14:11:00.000-08:00

I made the decision (throughout the writing of my Civil War paper for History) that tomorrow I am going to enjoy 5 small meals, each with roughly 250 calories. The total for tomorrow will be 1250, a big step, but a fun day, nonetheless. I am looking forward to eating the food 100%. The best part, is that I found a way to cram the most food into those 1250 calories that is humanly possible.

For Breakfast tomorrow, I'll have:
1 small, unripe pear (60)
1/3 cup oats cooked in 1/2 cup milk and 1/2 cup water, and topped with 1 teaspoon coconut, 1 teaspoon almonds, and 1 teaspoon raisins. (190)
Total: 250

For my first Mini Meal, I'll have:
1 quiche sandwich, made with 1 low-cal piece of bread, 2 mini tofu quiches and some spinach and spicy mustard. (140)
3 figs, 1 tablespoon of almonds and 1 tablespoon of walnuts (140)
14 baby carrots (35)
Total: 305

For my second Mini Meal, I'll have:
1 Quiche sandwich, same as before (130)
1 banana (100)
Total: 230

For my third Mini Meal, I'll have:
A greek yoghurt parfait, made with 4 oz plain nonfat greek yoghurt, 1 tablespoon granola, 1 teaspoon almonds and 1 teaspoon raisins (170)
1 red bell pepper (30)
1 small apple (50)
Total: 250

For my tiny Dinner, I'll have:
1 tofu sandwich, Made with a little tofu, 2 pieces of low-cal bread, spinach and spicy mustard (180)
14 baby carrots (35)
Total: 215

I finished my paper and went downstairs to prepare and carefully measure out this immense amount of food. I'm really excited!

The more i think about it, the main reason I get so stressed out when I'm actually AT school, is food! I am constantly thinking about it, because I'm constantly hungry, and I've been surviving on 500 calories until 4:30 or 5 pm when I eat dinner. And then I'm so famished that I eat like 500 in one sitting! It's not comforting, and it DOESN'T feel gratifying...and i spend the whole day hating myself, others, and just life in general. This new thing, (eating 5 mini meals) will work out, I think. Waiting until 11:30 to eat lunch when I ate breakfast at 6 is too much like when I was eating only 700-800 calories per day over the summer, and during soccer season and such. It just doesn't work being hungry. I hate it. I want to eat normally, but still be thin. Ya know?

So...my eating schedule tomorrow (rough estimate):

5:00 am: Wake up, eat a pear, run.
6:00 am: Shower, eat oatmeal.
10:30 - 11:30 am: Be in Driver's Ed, begin eating first mini meal...allow snacking to carry into spanish, if need be.
1:30 pm: Be in chemistry, begin eating second mini meal.
3:00-3:30 pm: Be on Academic Bowl bus, eat third mini meal.
6:00-7:00 pm: Be on Academic Bowl bus, after meet, eat dinner.

Okay. I REALLY need to study now. HAHA.

Snack

2010-01-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

Greek yoghurt with 1 tsp almonds, 1 tsp raisins and 1 tbs granola (135)
2 mini quiches (50)
carrots with PB (135)

I think I'm going to start taking pictures for THIS blog, too, because that snack was one of the prettiest little ditties I ever did see.

And I feel SO good that I ate it, too. I know I'll have to have a super light dinner because of this, but it's totally worth feeling good.

I needed energy because I'm going to work out.

Total today: 860

Last little comment before I go study, which I REALLY need to do...

I feel really good when i eat smaller meals, more frequently. However, this only ever seems practical at home. What if I start eating 250 kcal/meals five times per day? That'd be 1250 kcals per day and I'd feel energized. Granted it's a 50 calorie increase, (or more like 250, lets not lie) but I think it might be worth it. And Ashlyn's right...I AM doing track now...so maybe it'll work out. My snack would've been roughly 250 if I hadn't eaten the quiches, which didn't really fill me up at all. They're more like a sandwich filling.

I don't know. I'll consider trying it tomorrow.

*CONSIDER*

Okay. I really have to go study.

Gingerbread.

2010-01-10T12:03:00.001-08:00

I have found a community that loves these four things as much as me:
Oatmeal
Breakfast
Black Coffee
Natural and Whole Foods.

They are all recovering anorexics.

I am in awe.

Sunday Morning...

2010-01-10T10:31:00.001-08:00

I love mornings, but sunday morning was not particularly enjoyable.

I don't know why, but it wasn't.

I had a bowl of Whipped banana oatmeal with turmeric, cinnamon, ginger, coconut, and almonds. It was delicious. Then my mother made me drink 6oz of milk...of course.

Breakfast: 245. Ugh

Then for lunch I had:
A bit of rotisserie chicken (gross) spinach with mushrooms and red bell peppers and finally, a spiced sweet potato with walnuts and raisins. I also ate a few almonds while i was waiting for my potato to cook.

Lunch total: 295

Total so far: 540

Yesterday I did really well. I only had about 1000 calories, and i worked out! (i ran 6 miles) but then i got home and nibbled.
I really need to work on night snacking! I did SO well. I just felt so comforted by some peanut butter and quiche after work. I was kind of tired, kind of cold, and the food just warmed me up. It wasn't a significant amount, roughly 200 caloires, give or take a little, but I still wish i hadn't eaten it. Oh well. Yesterday was yesterday.

200 seems like such a daunting number. Ugh.

Anyways.
This morning was productive, though. I washed a fuckton of dishes, (pardon my french) and played piano for an hour, and checked my email. As of like 2 months ago, i checked my email 10278401984 times per day but this is the first time i checked my email in about 5 days.
wow.

At least I'm not sitting on my butt all day.
I need to stop being so addicted to the computer.
Blogging is addictive.

Anyways...
I'm trying not to be so addicted to facebook and email.
I am trying to read, work out, cook or "meditate" instead. (not actual meditation, maybe writing, or deeply breathing, or having a cup of hot unsweetened tea and watching the snow fall)

Not as much computer.

But, alas, I try to do homework, get pissed off that i don't understand it (history...ew) and then end up here.

That is my life.

Nuts.

2010-01-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

I really don't feel like working out today.
Today I am struggling.
After yesterday and the day before, I really feel like eating everything in sight. However, I am remembering my vow not to eat things that are Fucked up, like Jalapeno pretzels. Today, the only fucked up thing I had was Natural Sweet artificial sweetener. Yes, it's fucked up, but no, it does not have calories. It was exactly what i needed this morning. I needed something hot and sweet, with no calories, so I would stop wanting to eat a jar of peanut butter. I really craved nuts today. I sat in my pantry staring at the unopened jars of nutella, peanut butter, almond butter and tahini...wanting to eat all of them....I wanted to pop off the lids, grab a spoon, and start shoveling heaping scoops into my mouth. I didn't. To satisfy my nut craving, i ate 3 hazlenuts. To satisfy my sweets craving, I had hot tea with Natural Sweet. To satisfy my craving to eat gallons of chips and salsa, I ate salsa. Thus, my snack was about 50 calories and consisted only of salsa, hazlenuts and tea, instead of what i wanted to eat (but probably couldn've if i tried) which was a jar each of nutella, almond butter, peanut butter, tahini, honey and strawberry jelly, a bag of tortilla chips, 1 jar of salsa, 1 lb of cheese, and a giant carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and coconut on top. Where i would have gotten the cheese and carrot cake, i don't know, but I STILL WANTED IT!

Anyways. And I just ate lunch a bit ago...
I had a shit ton of broccoli with mustard (30)
1 tomato (15)
2 tbs almonds (80)
Salsa (5...like, none?)
a tiny apple (40)
and my stupid mother made me eat 1.5 oz chicken (90)

Total today: 570

Not bad, I guess, but I would've preferred to eat just a huge pot of spinach for each meal, except for breakfast, where i would've just wanted my delicious oatmeal. I love oatmeal. That'd be like a total of 300 for the whole fucking day.
I can't wait until I live by myself. I'll be a vegetarian, and I'll eat what i want, when i want, and how much i want.

I really should work out.

I really don't want to work out.

Hoy Vay.

2010-01-09T07:17:00.000-08:00

So It's saturday Morning. I just ate breakfast. What was originally going to be an innocent bowl of oatmeal turned into way too many calories.
I realized this morning that I'm right back where I started when my eating disorder began, regarding when I eat. I eat too much for dinner. Granted I eat significantly less now than i did then, but anyways. I need to stop eating so much for dinner. The reason I eat more now is because I'm so god damn hungry all day, and dinner is the one time that I actually eat substantial food, not salad. So I eat my fill. And eating until I'm full is TOO MUCH.
So today, I decided I'd eat a moderately larger breakfast (1/2 cup oats instead of 1/3 cup) and add some carbs to my lunch, and MAYBE some protein if I was feeling brave, allow myself a snack of fruit and carbs (small) when I'm hungry, and then by dinner, I won't be as ravenous and hopefully will eat less. The calories will balance out, too, and I'll have eaten less cumulatively across the day.
Yesterday's dinner over-eating thing was probably fine. I was at 600 by dinner, ate 600 AT dinner. However, I burned about 500 calories at practice (running 5 miles, abs, push ups) so i guess it's alright. But I still felt fat this morning.
Today I was going to have 1/2 cup oats (150) with 1 whole tablespoon PB (100) and 10 raisins (15) but there was only 1/3 cup oatmeal left (100), so I added 1 tsp PB (30) and 2 tsp chopped hazelnuts (25) and 1 tsp sweetened flaked coconut (10) and 10 raisins (15). That was a total of 180. Not bad, but then my parents made me drink a whole glass of milk. So my total for breakfast alone was 260...and milk is completely empty calories! It has 80 calories per cup, and is not filling in the slightest. It's just as filling as water...I'm hungry again 10 minutes later. God, I'm so pissed. what if I had had 250 calories worth of actual food...(1/2 cup oats and 1 tbs peanutbutter) and THEN had to drink milk??? That'd be over 300 (which is unacceptable)

I AM SO PISSED.

Black Leggings From Hell

2010-01-08T21:20:00.000-08:00

Black leggings make me look fat.
Heck, leggings in general make me look fat.
People noticed...I can tell how fat they made me look.
GOD I'm so embarassed. Nobody wants to be as fat as me.

Wow

2010-01-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

I learned yesterday that if i was going to gain weight, I'd have to slowly increase my calories (cumulatively) by about 100-200 each day until i was eating 3000 calories! (or more) because that's how fucked up my metabloism is after being anorexic for nearly a year.

OMG.

God Damn my Life

2010-01-07T18:17:00.000-08:00

I realized that i've been wasting my time with nuts. I know they're a super food (i even wrote about it in my whole foods blog) but for an anorexic, they're a total waste of time. They're fattening, and a waste of calories! I made my lunch for tomorrow without them, i have significantly more food, and 110 less calories, too! ( i also left the pear and walnuts off of my salad, so that's another like 65 calories)
lunch for tomorrow:

A fuckton of spinach (10)
1.5 tbs balsamic dressing (30)
2 slices turkey (40)
1/3 cup cottage cheese (60)
3/4 cup wheaties (100)
tiny apple (25)
14 baby carrots (35)

That's a total of: 300

Plus breakfast of honey/flax oatmeal, that's a total of 460! Holy cow! That's low!
I'm proud of myself.
I might toss in a snack of some sort for between school and track. (no more than 140 though, cuz i'll still be at 600, have 300 for dinner and be at 900)

Ugh. Anyways. School is so stressful. I need to relax.

Relaxing isn't just a hobby for me...i NEED to relax. I didn't hate food/eating as much over break. Granted i didn't eat any more than usual, but i was able to have hot food, and more of lower calorie foods so my tummy always felt full and i felt good. I hate everything about school.

10 things i hate about school:
Homework
hunger
being freezing cold
stupid annoying bitches that think they're better than everyone else but are really dumber than a chicken with its head cut off
tests and the stress that come with studying for tests
Driver's Ed
boredom
pressures...seeing all the skinny girls like Nada and the teeny little freshmen and shit
Heidi
I'm not in my comfort zone at school. and i never feel relaxed or comfortable. or happy.

the people i don't hate at school (no particular order)
1) ashlyn
2) hannah
3) laura
4) ian
5) the normal XC folk (matt, joey, nic, perko, maddie G, will, etc... the NICE ones. This excludes ppl like gulik, moose, markelle, clint, etc)
6) neil
7) lindsey grosskopf
8) a few of my kind-of friends in classes (vishal, lindsey puccio, cam, chris gousios, etc)
9) the french/german foreign exchange students (i don't exactly talk to them, but i like their accents, and they're really nice/funny...hahah)
10) I guess i'd have to say heidi. I don't particularly HATE her, but i don't like her either, and since i put her on my hate list, she should probably go on my nice list

About Ian...
Ian doesn't talk. It's excruciatingly infuriating.

and what makes it worse, is when i say "talk to me" he's all like "what do you want to talk about?"
and normally that'd be fine, but i do that to my mother when i absolutely do not want to talk to her and it pisses me off eternally that she is talking to ME in the first place when i want nothing to do with HER. So that's why it bugs me. I told him that, but he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand the extent to which she oppresses me, either. I was like "idk if i can hang out friday...my mom might not let me." and he got all weird like "why wouldn't she let you?" you think i know? she's always been like that. She doesn't let me do anything without A) practicing piano B) being all sickeningly sweet and pretending i love her, and C) cleaning the whole damn house. And she doesn't let me do anything if it involves her driving me places. And in the rare occasion that she does drive me, she bitches about it for 3 hours afterwards.

God i can't wait until I'm 16. My life will be a hell of a lot easier, in more ways than one.

8 months, 23 days, 3 hours, 39 minutes.

I CAN NOT WAIT.

So no, Ian, I do not know why she wouldn't let me. She's just a bitch. Why, I don't know. She just is.

Hahahahha Perfection...

2010-01-07T13:58:00.000-08:00

You know what i noticed today? I can easliy pull down my jeans without unbuttoning/unzipping them.

SCORE.

Ugh. but like is so stressful. I noticed, today, that i look very thin from the side...and this was after i just gorged myself on dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon. I ate like 600 calories. (omg!) I had some pretzels, granola, milk, salmon, spinach and 2 natural yummy cookies. (ridiculous, i know...don't even say anything) I only had 1/4 cup of granola and 1/3 cup of pretzles...and the cookies together only have 170 calories. So it wasn't that much junk...but that salmon and milk are like empty calories. People don't really need that much protein...and if they do, I'm sure i got it today. Tomorrow I'm definitely chucking the turkey that i bring in my lunch.

Oh...and i realized that if i "eat more for breakfast" (i had some yoghurt in addition to my oatmeal this morning) I still end up being just as fucking hungry by the time lunch comes around. So....to all you who are dieting...it's totally not worth it. 180 calories is sufficient for breakfast. Actually, It's plenty. Heck, 160 is fine. (do 1/3 cup oats with 1 tsp flax seeds, 2 tsp chopped walnuts and 1 tsp honey...plus cinnamon) that's 160. No matter what they tell you...about eating more making you fulll...don't believe them. They're lying. And it's a waste of calories. You don't even enjoy them because it's in the morning. And you always enjoy things more when you're actually hungry, not being watched by your stupid mother, and eating them during the day when you KNOW your body is actually benefitting from them.

Pain

2010-01-06T17:24:00.001-08:00

This picture speaks to me.

There is so much emotion.

I feel her pain.

ergh

2010-01-06T17:12:00.000-08:00

I'm really struggling not eating...even though i really want to.
I had the chocolate square (140) and 1 tbs cashews (40) and 1/4 graham cracker with 1 teaspoon pb (50) and some tea with milk (40) and a pickle (0)
which makes a total of 1330.
ew.
very high.
but better than grossly high from eating crap

note to self:
chocolate does not really satisfy cravings, unless i'm craving chocolate. I'm better off drinkning hot milk with 1 tsp nesquik instead. It has 50 less calories, too.

God...i did so well yesterday...i was sub 1000.
I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS.
I'm literally torn.

Hoy es el dia de Comida

2010-01-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

Translation: Today is the day of food.

In other words, there are, naturally, some days that i feel the need to eat more. Today would be one of those days. However, I handled it very well, in my opinion.

I got home from track practice after only having run about 1 mile. (due to driving with sutherland) Driving was actually pretty interesting. Suds had me stop at a gas station, where he bought an ridiculous Big Gulp (that he doesn't need) and a cookie the size of his head, which he gave to me. I was truly flattered, because i was somewhat under the impression that he didn't have a morsel of kindness in him. I have no idea why he felt the need to buy me a cookie, but it was a very nice gesture. It was chocolate chip (one of my favorites) but of course, I didn't eat it. It's probably filled with a bunch of shortening and corn syrup and a whole bunch of nasty, bad for you things, such as 900 calories in a single dessert. Anyways.

Then we stopped at another gas station and he had me go buy an air freshener. haha.

After driving i went to practice for a bit, where i pawned off my giant cookie. Instead, I ate a pear (from my lunch). Between breakfast and lunch i had roughly 675 calories. (not bad, eh?) then when i got home, i wasn't necessarily hungry but i really felt the need to eat. I allowed myself 3 pita chips and an 1/8 inch slice of cheese, which was roughly a total of 50 calories. Suddenly, i felt like gorging myself on everything in the pantry. I knew that if i did, though, it would not end well. So, I told mommy that i was going to eat soon and i'd call her when i was ready, becasue i was making more spinach soup. She portioned a chunk of salmon which she told me to eat.

I ate two bites. Suzie got her RDA of omega-3s today!

I gave the rest to her. haha. So i had a few nuts (about 3 walnuts and 1 tbs cashews.) Enough protein, i'd say. Then i knew i really wanted carbs...namely, the delicious, spicy jalapeno pretzels. I figured that if i ate pizza like usual, i'd still crave pretzels, end up eating some, feel yucky, and then be over my calories. However, pretzels are carbs, right? So i had about 1/3 cup of yummy jalapeno pretzels instead. I also had about 1/4 of granola and 8 oz of milk. Enough carbs? yes. Then i made spinach soup. All in all, i had roughly 475 calories at dinner via smorgasbord. It was good, and filling. And while i drank my immense quantity of spinach soup, i guzzled 2.5 glasses of water, and thus, i am currently full. To satisfy my sweet tooth, i grabbed a block of bittersweet baking chocolate (the highest cacao and most intense flavor for the least sugar, besides unsweetened) but i haven't eaten it yet. If i want it later, i will, but i am too full (from all that water) to eat it now. Which is good...I'm allowing myself a sweet if i want it and am not full.

All in all, i'm proud of myself.

Tuesday Hunger

2010-01-05T19:25:00.000-08:00

Hunger really strikes at the most inopportune times. (i.e. now.)
I had a nice, fulfilling dinner of spinach/mushroom soup (with minimal calories) a piece of low-cal-low-fat pizza, and some broccoli, and my mom made me eat some weird rotisserie chicken, but whatever. It was fine.
I also had a snack of a pear.
All in all it was roughly 1000 calories today...I don't feel like writing down EVERYthing...but i DID do yoga-butt class today, which felt really good. I always feel happier and more satisfied when i work out some way. I love doing the ab-but class, especially in my yoga-ish pants and little top thing that makes me feel all skinny and shit.

Anyways.

I drove today...with suds... and it actually wasn't that boring! It was only for 45 minutes because he had to go to practice or something, but it still counted as an hour. Now I have to drive tomorrow for my fifth hour...and i don't know exactly when i'll feel ready to take my driving test for my sixth hour! I'm glad that it's not going to be tomorrow. I totally would not be ready. Ew. I need a lot more practice, i think. I don't want to take my drivers test until AFTER winter.

I had a shit ton of homework today, and i'm kind of surprised at myself for being blogging right now instead of writing one of my 2 history essays or preparing for my debate monday...but i'm really too tired to. Honestly. I wrote some of one of one, but i know that I'll need to edit it A LOT.

Anywho.
I made an awesome spinach salad for tomorrow...it has walnut and pear. Yum. Then i made a balsamic-mustard dressing. Double Yum. I think it'll be really good. I just hope that my pear doesn't get all nasty and brown and stuff. I put lemon juice on them, but idk how effective that'll be.

Anyways. I haven't really eaten any fucked up things since that gingerbread house segment. Well, actually i did. Today and yesterday i munched on a few jalapeno-cheddar pretzels after dinner. They're not SUPER fucked up because they're relatively low in fat, and have the same caloric value of any other seasoned pretzels, but anything that is "cheese-flavored" or has cheese in a powder form is, inevitably, as fucked up as mac 'n' cheese. But, that gives me an idea...If i ever eat macaroni and cheese again in my life, I'll be sure to add jalapeno of some sort (and, of course, spinach).

but that's another story. I really need to go to bed. I'm going to pass out.

Goodnight, to whoever may be reading this.

P.S.

go here:

http://www.wholefoodmania.blogspot.com/

And Alas, It's MONDAY...again.

2010-01-04T15:37:00.001-08:00

Ugh. FML. I hate mondays. Anyways...

Today food wise, I did very well, i suppose.

Breakfast:
1/3 cup Plain Oatmeal (100)
1/2 cup cottage cheese (80)

Lunch:
A shit ton of spinach (15)
a pear (80)
14 baby carrots (35)
Turkey/Pizza Boppers (150)
Pecans/Walnuts (170)

Dinner:
Spinach (20)
Home Made Pizza (70)
A bit of salsa (5)
2 Apples (80)
raisins (15)
Cottage Cheese (80)

TOTAL:
900

Pretty damn good, if you ask me.

Granted I'm not supposed to feel this way about eating only 900 calories (oops)
I'm supposed to go eat 300 more to be at the bare minimum 1200 recommended by How to Eat like a Hot Chick.
Oh well.

I might have a cookie later or something if i want one. (85)

I feel really full and look kinda bloated, because i cooked the apples in a shit-ton of water (filling) and the spinach, too. Hot foods are really damn filling. And also, I have this weird GI thing going on where i'm all gassy and "irregular" (not to be gross).

Oh well. I've been eating more fiver (yay, spinach)
but whatever.

FML...Crap already.

2010-01-03T16:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I didn't think this'd happen for a while...eating crap, that is. I thought this, mainly because i didn't think i'd have access to crap. I apparently forgot about my imitation gingerbread house, which actually was made of graham crackers. I ate the equivalent of 2 full graham crackers with 2 tablespoons of frosting. Total: 275. Then, I had 3 ish pieces of home made pizza (roughly 200) and 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (80) and UGH 3/4 cup granola with 3/4 cup milk (390) plus breakfast and lunch and a vegetable-y snack and nuts (175) plus (735) equals 1855. EW. That is kind of like a binge, for me. Granted it's a "normal consumption" but i feel totally fat and LSE and NOT like a hot chick right now. This is totally ew. My stomach feels gross from all that crap...especially when I've been eating such healthy foods lately. I am upset with myself. and i feel awful.

This is to make myself feel better, even though it's not legit.

I ran 3 miles and did butt/ab class today. (-450 ish)
new total: 1405
I, according to The Daily Plate, need 1303 calories to LOSE a pound per week. (huh? no.) but anyways...that's 102...plus I'm supposed to lose a pound by eating that much? okay so I didn't go over at all. But who cares because I still feel like shit and feel LSE and not hot.

Damn.

THINGS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER:
I will eat normal amounts tomorrow and be thin and HOT
In about 1.5 hours, I will feel better.
I will drink a shit ton of water
Between breakfast and lunch tomorrow, I'll have had 100 kcal less than i had today.
My fucking gingerbread house will be thrown out by then, and thus, gone.
I HATE JUNK

NEW CONCEPT:
I have been craving that fucking gingerbread house since i brought it home. Thus, the reason i took to it so ravenously (I only ate about 1/8 of it) was because I have been telling myself that it's delicious, that i love it, and that i WANT it. Well, now I know that I don't want to feel like this...I feel sick, after eating all that crap. Those were not whole foods. Graham crackers are fine, but with stupid Duncan Hines hydrogenated vanilla crap (how can they even call it frosting?) it's sickening. I know that it's the sickening ness of it that is making me feel so un-hot right now. So I'm taking deep breaths.

I'm not uncomfortably full, I just feel gross.
Gross Gross Gross.

Fuck my life. Now for some thinspiration and hella water.

ED Update

2010-01-03T12:14:00.000-08:00

Soooo my eating disorder definitely isn't gone. But I'm still working on the whole ordeal.

Progress I've made in three days: (lol)
Eating roughly 1200 kcal/day
Feeling better about myself

The main part of an eating disorder is directly related to how I feel about myself. I still feel fat all the time, even though I'm working on convincing myself that I'm not. I obviously still count calories, though, which just makes me feel worse about myself. I probably should stop that...but as you might know as a fellow ED-ian, it's virtually impossible. I don't know how poeple stop, because i know how many calories are in EVERYTHING i eat.

Two MAIN things I'm working on:

Embracing exercise as something that makes me healthy, not as something that burns calories.
Within my 1200 kcal/day, eat a small dessert. This will keep me from feeling deprived, LSE, and then eat like 5 cookies if i get the chance. And then starve myself MORE to compensate.
Feeling good about myself. This means being Hot, Confident, Fun and Chill.

My blog is helping. (Not this one, the whole foods one) It's helping ot remind me that food is something to enjoy and nourish my body, not obsess over.

Food today:

Oatmeal (165)

Tiny Apple (25)

Trail Mix (175)

Spinach Junk (200)

2 small cookies (one was dough) (170)

That's a total of 735. For dinner I should eat somewhere around 350 (but as many as 465 or as little as 265) to stay in my 1000-1200 range. That's simple. POUND THE VEGGIES (100-150) and eat something starchy like homemade pizza. (200 ish)

Parmesan Spelling Mishap

2010-01-02T07:21:00.000-08:00

I just learned that I have been spelling Parmesan wrong all my life.
Apparently it's not spelled "Parmesean"
Wow. I'm obtuse.

The Day After New Year's Day...

2010-01-02T07:12:00.000-08:00

I didn't write yesterday, sorry.
I was working on a NEW BLOG! A blog about wholesome food!
WAHOO!
http://www.wholefoodmania.blogspot.com/
GO THERE. whoever you are...

Anywho.

Yesterday was fun! I got to see Hillary, but I only got about 6 hours of sleep, which was totally not cool. And i baked two pizzas, some pizza boppers, did NOT over eat, felt fantabulous and totally hot all day, and started reading "How to Eat like a Hot Chick" which is an awesome, inspirational book, and then i did some abs (ugh) and my knee exercises (phew) and took a shower, realized that i *do not* like my hair cut, and enjoyed a fabulous, gourmet, satisfying meal. DELIC! I want every day to be like yesterday.

For breakfast today:
3/4 cup wheaties (100)
1/2 cup skim milk (40)
rounded tbs granola (20)
small apple (25)

That's a total of 185. I was going to skip the apple and be at 160, but hey, 25 calories of natural, sweet goodness plus a little energy to fuel my run later seemed perfectly okay. Plus, I was already at a low number for breakfast and I'm still under 200 by a significant amount. (15 is significant, okay?)

For lunch I'm looking forward to some frozen spinach (defrosted, of course) with Parmesan, and a little salt, pepper and garlic, and then some left over pizza boppers from yesterday, and maybe (MAYBE) some fruit.

I learned from "How to Eat like a Hot Chick" that dried fruit is probably not a good idea. So I'll save that for when I'm A) trying to sneak a snack in class, B) backpacking through the wilderness (or just plain in the woods) or C) in a super SUPER rush or while I'm driving, need a minor energy boost, and I'll mix it with some nutty goodness.

I'm so excited to break free of my eating disordered reigns, you don't even know! I want to experience the cuisine of the UNIVERSE! (and in this context, universe means what i can create with my beloved phalanges.)

FOR TODAY:
Go for a run
Work on chem study guide packet for the final
MAYBE read some history
abs/knees
Cook dinner (I have chicken! YAY!)

Greek Yoghurt

2009-12-31T13:35:00.000-08:00

My name is Alexandra, and I believe i have fallen in love!

Meet Chobani:

Isn't he beautiful?

OH. MY. GOD.

Well, let me tell you, today i discovered Greek Yoghurt!

As you well know, I only had 300 calories for brunch...which lasted me until about 3:30. I bought some greek yoghurt with my dad at Caputo's today, and yaddah yaddah. I didn't think much of it until i started to get jittery at around 3:30. Jitteriness is not accompanied by hunger, but it is still an uncomfortable feeling, so i decided to get some cals by eating some of my new Greek Yoghurt. I had 6 ounces of fat free Chobani Greek Yoghurt (with honey) and it was one of the best things I've ever tasted! It's light, creamy, thick, and delicious! It's not too sweet, and in fact, has barely enough sweetness to consitute as being 'sweet'. It's just enough to compliment the tanginess and boot out the 'bite'.

IT"S DELICIOUS! And it filled me up, rightly, and I feel great! It totally hit the spot! I don't feel the need to eat or nibble on anything else, either. MMMMM.

Reasons to eat Greek Yoghurt:

Delicious

Fat Free

High in Calcium

Pro-Biotics to help regulate the pooper (digestive system)

High in Protein

Did i say DELICIOUS?

While i was eating my delicious yoghurt, I was whipping up a batch of Warm Vanilla Almond Granola. It's for tomorrow's breakfast. I want to start the new year with a kickin' good meal, that's healthy, low fat, and delicious. This new year is going to be a food extravaganza, and I'm going to make it my goal to pack as much nutrition and as little crap into my 2010 diet as i can. I'm going to be HEALTHY! Not freakish jittery no calorie. Granted it'll take some getting used to, but the science of it is so much fun, and i know for a fact that when i DO eat fantastic, nutritious, delicious, filling food, I HAVE NEVER FELT BETTER!

Warm Vanilla Almond Granola:

3 cups rolled oats

2 tablespoons wheat germ

2 tablespoons flax seeds

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour (must be all-purpose...needed for its binding properties)

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

1/4 cup REAL maple syrup

1/4 cup water

2 tablespoons vanilla extract (imitation is fine...and cheaper!)

1/2 cup blanched sliced almonds

Preheat the oven to 315 degrees

Mix all the dry ingredients (minus the almonds) in a large mixing bowl. Drizzle on the maple syrup, water and vanilla extract. Mix VERY WELL. Toss in the almonds, and spread the mixture onto a greased cookie sheet.

Bake for 25 minutes, cool COMPLETELY and store in an airtight container for up to two weeks.

210 calories per 1/2 cup serving

This granola recipe, like all other granola recipes, is fairly high-calorie. However, It's filled with nutritions fatty acids from the almonds, and you even get some ALA Omega-3's from the flax seeds. Wheat germ contributes essential folic acid, and the whole-grain oats yeild fiber and complex carbohydrates. The nuts/seeds also contain high-quality protein. And, what little maple syrup is used to sweeten, is ALL-NATURAL!

****Did you know...The aroma of cinnamon has been proven to "awaken the senses and the mind" in the morning, and helping to jump-start complex thinking processes. Who doesn't need that in the morning?

NEW YEAR'S EVE

2009-12-31T10:43:00.001-08:00

So my parents didn't let me go to Chicago today, but Laura slept over yesterday, so that balanced it all out.

The more i think about it, it's probably better that i didn't go, because now i have more time to A) get ready, B) eat dinner, C) not walk around all day and freeze my butt off.

This morning I woke up at like 9:45 and Laura had to leave at 10, so i had a cup of caffeinated tea, but i wasn't hungry for breakfast yet. Instead, my mother and i went to the post office. When i got back, it was already 11, so i whipped up some veggie-egg sandwich halves. They were delicious!

Veggie Omelette Sandwiches

2 egg whites
1/2 egg yolk
1 tablespoon milk
1 whole wheat hamburger bun
1/4 cup cottage cheese
1 cup chopped mixed veggies ( i used a mixture of broccoli, peas, garlic, grated carrots, and chopped bell peppers)
cooking spray
salt, pepper, italian seasoning, red pepper flakes, to taste

In a medium skillet, cook the vegetables in cooking sprayand a little water, if needed. Add eggs and cottage cheese. Cook until most of the liquid is evaporated. Toast the buns in a 350 degree oven. serve the egg mixture on the toasted buns.

It was very delicious, if i do say so myself! Since i didn't eat breakfast until 11:30, it ended up being brunch, more or less. Thus, I only had 300 calories between breakfast AND lunch. Thus, If I only have a 100 calorie snack, i will be able to have 400 calories for dinner! (And I'll still be at 800) or I can have 300 calories for dinner and no snack and be at 600. I don't know what i'll do. A big challenge will be at Ashlyn's for a New Year's Eve party. There's bound to be a multitude of food (sweet, fattening food) so i will have to exert immense will power NOT to eat it. Not only do i not want to eat it because i don't want fattening calories, i don't want to eat it because she and her mom and all those people that KNOW about me and my eating disorder will SEE me. I always feel fraudulent when i eat, sweet junk food or nutritious healthy food...it's all the same. I hate being watched when i eat!

Anyways. Yesterday, i DID eat though. Laura slept over and we had hot chocolate and i ate a piece of bread and a few hershey kisses. It was probably around 400 calories so total for the day was like 1400.

Right now, I just want my mom to go to bed so my dad will come home, and i can to to the store!

I need:

Greek Yoghurt
Baby Carrots
Cocoa Powder
Quinoa
Bulgur Wheat
Ground Ginger and Cloves
Low Fat, Small curd cottage cheese
Plain, Non-Fat American yogurt
Brown Rice Syrup

and a few other things.

WEDNESDAY!!!

2009-12-30T07:24:00.000-08:00

Today is Wednesday, and so far, it has started out well!

I woke up at 8:38 (well, actually, my mother woke me up)and she was in an impeccable mood.
And as i was making breakfast, a headhunter called and she set up an interview (with the headhunter) for monday. WAHOO!!!

That made me decide: If she gets a job, i'm DEFINITELY doing track...why would i risk spoiling my good fortune of NOT getting yelled at anymore, but going to Gecan AND getting yelled at? Gee Whiz.

Anyways.

And then i peacefully enjoyed my oatmeal.

Peanut Butter and Banana Oatmeal

1/3 cup rolled oats
2/3 cups water
1/2 cup skim milk
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon+nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon all-natural chunky peanut butter
1 baby banana (or 1/2 regular) chopped into bite-sized pieces

In a small pot, combine the water, salt and oats. Boil over medium heat until water is absorbed. Add Milk, vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg. Bring to a boil, and continue cooking (stirring constantly) until thick and bubbly.
Stir in the peanutbutter and mix well. Stir in Banana. Serve hot, garnished with honey, milk or cinnamon.

Anyways, It's delic.

On the downside, when i told my mom that for sure Matt is going to chicago tomorrow, she said, "Yeah, i don't know. If there were just ONE adult..."
ERGH. I really, REALLY want to go. All i ever do is sit around at home, on my butt all day. BORING!

Anyways. I'll just have to wait and see, and be HOPEFUL.

On a brighter note, I finished Huckleberry Finn. YAY! That stupid book! I hate it sooooooo much...

So today I'm getting a haircut. I have NO IDEA how i should have her cut it!
I probably don't want it short, but i do want feathered layers, and i need my bangs cut but idk if i should grow out my bangs...
The thing is, "If i don't like it, it'll grow out..." well, My hair doesn't grow! AT ALL!
It's grown like an inch in a whole year.

What the Dump.

My Latest Poem

2009-12-29T17:00:00.000-08:00

Golden Reason -- yet Untold

A ray of gentle light peeks through the window,
Amid the endless landscape, laden with snow
A sliver of hope, I am allowed to behold
But a darkening cloud shatters my beam of gold.

The senses have failed,
This disease, it prevails,
Through gold and silver and bronze repose
Two-sided; Two worths, I am alone to suppose.

The light illuminates the complexion, so toned,
Skin pulled taught, lining her delicate bones.
Greatness and victory, together so sweet
But redemption and reason are a vision, obsolete.

Left here to ponder which path retains greater sound,
I am confused, distraught, distracted; left in a state, so profound.
I know not what my mind speaks,
I know not what my heart thinks,
Between thought and feeling there is no common ground,
But as I lay here and wonder where my days are headed,
I realize how she earned such a name; renowned,
Though notable, she is not.

Wow.

2009-12-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

There is really a shocking number of anorexics in the world...or even the US alone.

It's a disease that a person views as impossible...to a certain extent.

I have never known anyone -- or spoken to them, at least -- while they were actually anorexic, which is kind of strange because i know of and have met and have talked to at least 5 people that are or have been anorexic. Two of which are my cousins, another is one of my close friends, one is one of my sister's friends, and one is a girl from soccer that i have 'run into' many times...and she even came to a few cross country practices two years ago.

It still is a completely surreal experience for me. Most of my inspiration comes from online, and the only time i really talk about it is via email or text. It doesn't seem real. And since i obviously don't view my body realistically, and haven't seen an actual skeletal anorexic in real life, it seems like a disease that doesn't actually exist.

The point i was getting at, is that after viewing a poll, i'm shocked. At a Pro-Ana blog, (http://www.thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com/) it showed that 1226 girls of the 7516 that participated in the poll are less than or equal to a size 2...which, unless they are extremely short or have some sort of metabolic disorder, have the physique of an anorexic. 1443 girls are a size 4, which considering significant height, may also have an anorexic physique. Seeing as this poll was on a Pro-Ana website featuring thinspiration, they probably are all anorexic. that's 2889 anorexic girls!

Wow.

It's shocking, really.

And alas....

2009-12-29T08:39:00.000-08:00

It is tuesday.

The first thing i did this morning was get screamed at (mercilessly) by my mother because apparently my carpets weren't pulled down?

Um, well how do you expect me to do that if my door is closed, you stupid, fat, ugly satanic creature?
MY GOD.

Anyways. I was pissed so i decided i was not going to eat breakfast, but of course, "NOW GO EAT BREAKFAST. YOU'RE HAVING AN EGG. AND MILK."

So much for that idea. So I made a piece of microwave french toast using 1/2 a whole wheat hamburger bun (90) and 1 egg white (15) and i managed to throw out half of the yolk without her noticing so instead of a 70 calorie egg, it was only 43. YAY.
Then i poured half a glass of milk, and she got distracted because hillary called. Thank goodness the milk wasn't in a transparent glass because when i finished eating, i just brought the cup to the sink with my dirty dishes and poured the contents down. Thus, 133 calories at breakfast. Pretty damn good, no?

It makes me WANT to not eat when my mom is being a bitch. I'm not even hungry. Frankly, even if i was, i probably wouldn't eat anyways.

I just don't feel like eating today.

2009-12-28T21:19:00.001-08:00

Ugh. My face is so fucking fat.

2009-12-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

Yeesh.
That first resolution is going to take a lot more work than i thought. Since i've already failed today, I'm definitely going to start trying out those resolutions tomorrow. I definitely need practice if I'm going to be in the habit for the new year. Granted the first personal resolution will take a lot more time than just 2 days to get used to...it will probably take months, but I'll get there.

Anyways...

Joey's party was fun!

Goodnight.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-12-28T11:52:00.000-08:00

WITH REGARDS TO MYSELF

1. Get rid of my ED, and eat normally and healthfully – no starving, no “binging”

2. Not be so stressed out; be a chill person; learn to let things go; don’t over analyze

3. Take life step by step and enjoy every minute of it

WITH REGARDS TO OTHER PEOPLE

1. Try as hard as possible to not piss mommy off; patronize her even when she’s sober

2. Be a better friend to Laura, and be close with her and tell her things

3. Stop judging people; live and let live

WITH REGARDS TO EVERYDAY PRACTICES

1. Brush my teeth twice a day no matter how tired or busy I am.

2. Take at least 30 minutes of “Me” time every day.

3. Keep my room organized.

Ahh, the joys of a Monday...

2009-12-28T09:53:00.000-08:00

So it's Monday.

I kind of feel like I really don't want to waste my day on facebook today, so i won't. Rather than sitting on my butt being a facebook stalker, I'll sit on my butt and try to make another dent in Huckleberry Finn. But seriously, who would name their kid Huckleberry?

I just took my loaf of bread out of the oven a moment ago, and it smells heavenly and looks divine. It's a mix from a box, but kneading it still took quite a bit of elbow grease! haha.
I've only made bread from scratch a few times before and it didn't quite turn out very well. Tomorrow I'm going to try to make some from scratch. I figure that using this boxed mix is good practice for tomorrow because now i know what bread dough that is made correctly is supposed to look, feel and taste like, how much it should rise, etc.

Aside from doing this blog and quickly checking my facebook and email a moment ago, I've had quite a productive morning. I woke up at about 7:45 and read about 15 pages of Huckleberry Finn. I ate breakfast at about 8:30. I had a slice of low fat, home made pumpkin bread, 2 tablespoons of wasabi almonds and half a cup of skim milk. Then i was forced to help my mom in the kitchen, vacuuming and cleaning the counters, and i had to chop up rotting vegetables to put in the 'hole'. Ew. Then i started the bread process and i let it rise for about an hour. At 10:45 ish, I put the risen bread into a pan, went for a run, came back, put it in the oven, did 250 crunches, and came upstairs with an apple to blog.

Today I ran three miles. I think that's pretty good. It's not being obsessive, but it's still exercise. And even though my ipod is dead (fml) it was still enjoyable.

Today is the cross country white elephant christmas party... which is going to be FANTASTIC! I love my cross country friends, especially Joey, Hannah, Ashlyn and Matt and hanging out with them is close to the best thing in the world. The only problem is that there's going to be a lot of food there. It's always difficult being around junk and food like that because i always WANT to eat some, and if i do, i feel horribly. If i don't, people look at me strangely. Including Ashlyn, even though she knows all about my ED. Ohhh well.

I can't wait until I'm done with Huckleberry Finn because i want to read The Pact by Jodi Piccoult. About a month ago I read Plain Truth by her and I immediately fell in love. I can't wait until i can finally read something entertaining again and not supid Huckleberry Finn. However, before i read The Pact, i will probably read How to Eat Like a Hot Chick because Hillary thinks that it'll help me with my ED.

Anyways...
I fully intend to NOT waste my life online today, so I'm going to leave, but I might be back later to work on my New Year's Resolutions!

Bye Chums.